What To Do About Picky Eaters (Without Dinner Theater or Begging)

“Up to the table everybody!  Dinner time!”

Do these words make your kids slink off in the other direction, muttering, “I’m not hungry” or “yuck!?”  Do you make additional dinners routinely to please non-eaters?  Do you have a child on the “one-to-five food types only” diet?  If so, read on. Parents of teens, if you think this is just for the parents of little ones, think again.

This isn’t about dietary choices—vegan vs. vegetarian vs. raw vs. carnivores. It isn’t about children with food allergies or medical conditions who require special diets. It is about kids who expect (and demand) to get whatever they want when it comes to eating and meal times.

Raising kids not to be picky eaters is about a lot more that just eating (or a lack of). It is about cooking, food choices, manners, time spent in the kitchen, time spent at the table as a family without endless struggles. I love food.  I love to eat. I love to cook.  Cooking is my therapy, as long as it is done solo. Parent Trap Confession:  Cooking with little ones drives me absolutely insane. Cooking is my escape. Escapes are no fun when you are fighting over a spoon with a two-year-old.

I love it when I make dinner, everyone eats together, and there are comments such as, “That was so yummy!” Clean plates all around? Extremely gratifying.

I have the good fortune of all six of my kids being decent to voracious eaters. Not  all the time, but mostly. Yes, as toddlers they went through their “I exist on air” phases.  Yes, my kids have foods they won’t touch.  Yet, I have no true “picky eaters.”

After years of feeding my own kids and others, as well as observing other parents, I have found that while some kids are more choosy than others,  pickers eaters are groomed.  Sorry parents.  I know some of you have battled this endless fight and can’t agree with me.

For my kids, however, picky eating was never an option. My five-year-old would like to be a picky eater; he challenges me daily.

It all starts out innocently enough. Tiny tots, babies even, begin to refuse certain foods for whatever crazy reason. If your baby only liked plum baby food, did you allow her/him to exist solely on that? No, you kept trying new foods. If you didn’t, you would get 20 lashes with a wet noodle from the pediatrician. So why did that ever stop? Parents get scared, fearing starvation, dehydration, failure to thrive.  Full bellies and clean bowls equal healthy kids. Parents begin to feed into (excuse the pun) the notion that special circumstances must be made. So starts the “additional meal” syndrome—the “I’ll stand on my head to get you to eat” pattern.
Kids are smart, pick up on this quickly and use it to their advantage.  It becomes mainstream: “I pitch a fit and don’t eat what I am given, mom or dad gives me something yummy, comfortable and familiar.” Parents drag toys or puppets to the table, come equipped with seven different types of food—anything just to get a few spoonfuls in.

Many toddlers are completely opposed to trying new or different foods, often going on looks alone.  “Oooo, it looks yucky! It’s green! I don’t like green!!”

Here’s one explanation from Ask Dr. Sears (www.AskDrSears.com):

Why toddlers are picky. Being a picky eater is part of what it means to be a toddler. We have since learned that there are developmental reasons why kids between one and three years of age peck and poke at their food. After a year of rapid growth (the average one-year-old has tripled her birth weight), toddlers gain weight more slowly. So, of course, they need less food. The fact that these little ones are always on the go also affects their eating patterns. They don’t sit still for anything, even food. Snacking their way through the day is more compatible with these busy explorers’ lifestyle than sitting down to a full-fledged feast.

I buy that.  I have no problem with smaller meals more often at this age. As long as the child sits (be it picnic blanket, outside table, dinner or play table) to eat these smaller meals, and eats what is offered.

There are days when I know full well that my kids would like to come to the table and say “This looks disgusting”,  take one look and pronounce “Gross!” (think: Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes).  My kids know such comments will cause me to come completely uncorked.

What to say instead?  “I don’t really care for this,” after the three bite rule:

first bite=to try it
second bite= give it a chance
third bite=”thank you for making this for me.”

Should you then go make something else?  Offer a bowl of cereal?  No, try to plan on something that you know kids like, especially when making a questionable or new dinner.  This can be a type of bread or roll, salad or side dish. Something they can choose from what is offered to  fill up on.

There are days, for sure, when something goes amiss… a new recipe is nasty, something didn’t quite go right in the cooking process. Fine then, pitch it all and order pizza. However, when the back-up meal is a regular occurrence the problems begin and continue.

I see pint-sized (and not so pint-sized) picky eaters with bad food habits when my kids have friends over.  It is common practice, after I graciously set out an attractive and yummy snack, to be met with a bold fact and request from said guest: “I don’t like that.  Don’t you have anything else?”

Yeah… a kick in the butt straight to manners boot camp.

I have even have had kids go as far as to go into our cupboards in search of a preferred snack. Then there’s the, “I’m hungry!” from guests. No asking, no polite requests.

My niece was over for dinner years ago. When I asked if she wanted sauce, or butter and parmesan on her pasta, she said, “W e l l …. is the butter unsalted?”

She was eight.

How did kids get this rude, this brazen? When did it become okay to be so outright disrespectful and unappreciative? I cannot fathom having said such things as a kid.

As parents we need to teach our kids that, as guests, they need to try new things, or politely decline food.  Period.

Food manners need to be fostered every day. If kids are allowed to never try new foods,  never eat what they are offered (or at least decline graciously), they will become increasingly picky eaters and rude guests.

One more important food-related manner: Kids need to ask to be excused from the table. Not only is this good manners, it discourages take-a-bite-run-around-take-a-bite behavior.  It also lets you know when your child is unquestionably finished eating.

“May I be excused?” at our house is followed by taking their plate to the sink.

Some research suggests picky eaters are genetically predisposed to such behaviors.

This comes from The New York Times:

Picky Eater?  They Get It From You (Oct 10, 2007)
Most children eat a wide variety of foods until they are around 2, when they suddenly stop. The phase can last until the child is 4 or 5. It’s an evolutionary response, researchers believe. Toddlers’ taste buds shut down at about the time they start walking, giving them more control over what they eat. “If we just went running out of the cave as little cave babies and stuck anything in our mouths, that would have been potentially very dangerous,” Dr. Cooke said.

A natural skepticism of new foods is a healthy part of a child’s development, said Ellyn Satter, a child nutrition expert whose books, including “Child of Mine: Feeding With Love and Good Sense” (Bull Publishing, 2000), have developed a cult following among parents of picky eaters.

Each child has a unique set of likes and dislikes that Ms. Satter believes are genetically determined. The only way children discover what they are is by putting food in their mouths and taking it out over and over again, she said.

I’m not sure I buy this.

Such studies, perhaps, provide excuses, and give parents a ticket to take the easy way out. Parents of picky eaters can read something like this and think, “Well, my Jimmy has a genetic predisposition to be picky, so it is okay. No use fighting it. He can’t help it.”

Should parents force a food?  No. Use the three bite rule (above). What if the kid won’t eat a thing and is being unbelievably stubborn? So be it. Don’t give them a bowl of cereal or dessert later.  They will learn that when you serve food, it is time to eat.

Another confession: I have been known, with my current five-year-old, to give a banana or apple before bed when he wouldn’t touch his dinner and is crying on the floor, claiming starvation. This isn’t a common occurrence at our house (except, of course, with Mr. Five-Year-Old). I am battling this one right along with you. I give in when I just want him to go to bed, want him to stop crying about his impending death from having missed a single meal. I am tired then too.

This Mayo Clinic site (Mayoclinic.com/health/childrens-health) for an excellent list of ideas.

What about those picky teens?

I’ve seen a huge change in dietary patterns in my ‘tween and teen. My daughter still likes to eat, but not nearly as much, and would love to eat fruit (only in absolutely perfect condition, thank you very much), ice cream and good bread. My son eats lots more, and has had a shift in healthy choices, such as discovering soda as an excellent beverage of choice (not happening). These once, happily healthy eaters now crave junk.  Their dietary needs do change, they are in charge of their own lives more and more every day.   This doesn’t mean they can eat sweets and salt 24/7. They need to learn how to make good choices.  We are still in charge when it comes to their diet when they are home.

Here are some excellent tips for teen’s diet from www.acefitness.org:

Only purchase foods you want your teen to eat. Adolescence is a time of rapid growth, hormonal surge, and ravenous appetite.  Stock your pantry with fruits, vegetables, and other tasty snacks and easy-to-prepare meals and your teens may just diversify their diets without you having to say anything.

Avoid food fights. Whatever you do, do NOT get into a power struggle over food with your teenager.  You will lose every time.  Instead, make any healthy snacks that your teen likes readily available.  Try to make a healthy home-made meal at least once per week and be sure to include with it something (healthy) that your teen will eat.  Avoid pressuring, nagging, or bribing your teens to eat the foods that you want them to eat.

Set your teens up for post-adolescent success.  Soon your teens will be starting college or be out on their own and have to make decisions without you looking over their shoulders.  Help them to make good choices by planning ahead.  Give them the responsibility to help with meals, grocery shopping (with guidance on how you choose what to buy and nutritional requirements), and meal preparation.

Seek help if your teen overly restricts or you are concerned she or he may have an eating disorder. If you notice that your teenager is overly restricting food, is losing or has lost a significant amount of weight, shows signs of low self-esteem and body image, is purging after eating, or exercises incessantly, be concerned that your child may be suffering from an eating disorder.  Seek help from your child’s physician and consider consulting a registered dietitian for further evaluation, information, and other possible referrals.

I really enjoy being with my older kids, they are becoming interesting almost-adults, I don’t want to miss out on that journey.  I find if we are doing something fun and a bit of a distraction such as cooking, the conversation flows a bit easier, the laughter happens a bit more.  The sarcasm and biting humor a lot less.
Eating with our kids is something we do daily, so it should be an enjoyable experience whenever possible.   If you put a few techniques into practice you can achieve this.

So stir up your patience, firmness and creativity.  Help your kids have a discerning palate, but not be rude, picky eaters.

Yes, you may be excused now.