The Parent Trap: Can We "Please" Teach Manners? "Thank You!"

I told one of my readers that I would try my best to not be preachy, but I might cross the line this time. So if you think (grudgingly) that this title may apply to you and you have no desire to fix a possible problem,  or you don’t want to admit that we all could use a little “tightenlng up” in the manners department, please stop reading here.

Good. I knew you couldn’t resist. Manners.

The Comedy of Manners was popular in the 19th century. Think: Oscar Wilde and his play “The Importance of Being Ernest.” Unfortunately, nowadays, the humor has gone out of bad manners. Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say I find nothing cute or funny about kids who have bad manners. So, I’ll start with a blanket statement: Every kid needs to improve on basic, simple manners. Not most kids. Not some kids. Not “all kids except mine” kids. Every. Single. Kid.

When my kids have friends over, we go to a school function, we go to the library, we go anywhere or do anything where there are kids, I am reminded of the truth of this blanket statement.

The problem is simple: Many parents make teaching and modeling good manners a low priority. Top priority goes to having kids enrolled in the best/latest/smartest activity/class, school and homework, sports and then the priority of just making it through the day sometimes. These are all fair priorities, no doubt, but the problem is that in trying to meet all these expectations, parents forget about teaching manners. And the crazy thing?  We can squeeze the teaching of manners in to any situation, every day, and still have all the other priorities.

So why do so many parents neglect to teach manners? Google that sentence, and you will see this question is the subject of plaintive essays by bloggers, newspaper columns, PBS, and even scientific journal articles. Anecdotes abound. Here are a couple of my own:

A good friend of mine told me about a playdate her son had, a new buddy was over to the house for the first time. (Keep in mind, this mom-friend of mine is one of the sweetest, nicest, most cheery moms known to Ann Arbor.)  During lunch—served with no “thank you” from said new buddy—the boy flung his arm over his chair back towards the kitchen, not even looking at Super Nice Mom, empty plate in hand, and said, “I want   more.”

Another example? (Oh!  I could go on all day!) is when I help out at my kid’s most awesome Cross Country Kids program.  The kids meet in the Spring, twice weekly at 7:45 until school starts, just to run.  And they run. And run. We parents stand by the side, holding hole punchers and as kids complete one lap of the course, they get a punch on their running cards. Kids turn in the cards for plastic feet which are worn a necklace. These necklaces are sources of pride at Northside Elementary!  The incredible gym/fitness teacher at Northside Elementary and mastermind behind Cross Country Kids, Rick Dekeon, motivates over 135 kids (and parents) to come run. Amazing.

Anyway, as each of these kids come to me to get their punch, I find only one or two breathlessly say “thanks!” when I punch their card—one or two, out of 135.

I know all of you can think of instances when you’ve witnessed (or been the victim of)  horrid manners. Your own kids? Someone else’s kids?

While I hate to be rude, this epidemic is spread by parents. Reminding kids to be polite (or even just socially acceptable) is simple. The cure is to fit in instruction in manners time-after-time, all day long. The best part? It’s it takes no money, no scheduling or carpooling, no extra effort from us except for a few words delivered consistently.

Start with the “pre-chat.” Let kids know what the expected behavior is in various situations.

“We are going to Grandma’s. Be polite, make eye contact, speak clearly (loudly, maybe?) and smile. Visit a bit with her. For God’s sake no texting, iPod, Gameboy or cell phone for the two hours we are there!” It is two hours; it is Grandma. What if Grandma whips out her phone and checks her email, you ask? (This opens up a whole new techy topic, and that’s another column).

Practice the art of polite trick-or-treating and opening presents before Christmas. Model how to do it with simple manners. This way there’s less of a chance you’ll be mortified by kids’ behavior in front of family you see once a year. You might be thinking, “She’s nuts!” Actually, it’s kind of fun, and it’s a simple way to teach basic manners that kids just don’t come by naturally. How many parties have we gone to when the Birthday Boy or Girl opens a gift, says, “I have this already” and tosses it aside, going for the next one?

How many kids say “thanks!” when you drop a goodie in their trick-or-treat bag?  We had the misfortune one year while trick-or-treating, of hooking up with a little boy (who was not so little… he was 9-years-old) who, when given his Halloween treat would say “Gross!  I hate those,” or “At my house we give out two!”   One smart man giving out treats said to him, “Great! Then go home!”

Perfect.

One teaching tool I use (much to my kids’ dismay, I am sure) is to exaggerate manners in situations where they are blatantly lacking.

It goes like this:

My kid’s friend comes in our house, I greet him “Hi Jason, how ya doing?”
No reply from Jason, or maybe a pre-teen grunt.
Me (very sugary and exaggerated): “Why hello Mrs. McMillin, and how are you today?”
(I only use this on kids I see enough and I know they know better.)

It is up to us to do this with our own kids, but it’s also up to us to practice with other kids who visit our homes to play with/hang out with our kids. Manners need to be practiced, practiced, practiced, and the more practice our kids get, the more proficient they will become. The McCord Museum in Montreal, Canada has a web site that offers a “Mind Your Manners” game. You (and/or your kids) can have a bit of fun and practice manners from different historical periods in different settings (home, train station, museum, etc…).

So, start teaching manners now. It’s never too late, or too early (an eight-month-old can learn to sign “please”— www.babies-and-sign-language.com/glossary-photos.html- to request something).  Toddlers need consistent instruction and reinforcement. Same goes for your preschooler, school kid, Middle Schooler, High Schooler (Boys! Eye contact please! No mumbling!). It might seem like it gets old some days, but the results never do. If we expect our kids to ask to be excused from the table, expect a “thank you” when we do something or give them something, expect them to act like respectful, considerate people, teaching them good manners will not only result in an immediate pay off, but will pay off for our kids for the rest of their lives.

And that’s what The Parent Trap job is, really: preparing our kids for life.

Betsy McMillin has called Ann Arbor home for 20 years. It’s where she and her husband are currently raising their kids, ages 2 to 14. In addition to the six kids, she holds three degrees from Eastern Michigan University, one each in Elementary Education, Special Education and Early Childhood Education. Her hobbies (as of the past 14 years) include kids, laundry, cooking, diapers and breastfeeding. Betsy will be writing for A2Politico about parenting. She has about a million ideas for columns (assuming she and A2Politico make it to the year 2200), and will answer parenting questions from readers. Email parenting questions to: parenttrap@A2Politico.com.