by Betsy McMillin

Most days I really enjoy my kids, my job as mom.  I am, for the most part, amused throughout the day by what they say and do, and am emotionally on a pretty even keel.

Then there are those other days.  I call them “baseball bat days.”

My good friend and neighbor was, years ago, my daily hang-out mom buddy.  We each had three little ones between the ages of one and six.  Her house was a comfortably messy haven of fun… flour all over the kitchen counter from the latest baking excursion, a new batch of playdough out on the kiddie sized table, yummy yet healthy snacks on tap.  It was a fun place to hang out and get some adult conversation while kids were content and amused with each other.

One day, she was alone with her kids and they were being less then “content and amused.”  Bickering, pushing, shoving, taunting, you name it.  For other reasons, she had already had it when this behavior started and kept going.  She excused herself (or maybe didn’t?), put up the safety gate, went out to her run-down garage which was about seven steps from the house.  She went into the part with wood scraps and overall junk, picked up a baseball bat and started swinging.  Swinging hard and wrecking things.  She then put down the bat, smoothed out her shirt and walked calmly back into the house and dealt with the ongoing negative kiddie behavior in a relaxed yet firm, acceptable way.

Oh, how often I wish for a garage, junk, and a baseball bat.

Parenting pushes our buttons, whether our kids are 2 months, 2 years or 22-years-old. Parents need safe yet effective ways to handle these feelings. While I love the baseball bat, this isn’t usually an option.

When my older kids were younger, I was part of a great neighborhood as well as an Ann Arbor mom’s group.  We met at least once a week for kids to play, for us to vent and chat, as well as a once-a-month “moms night out.”  These moms were my sanity, my sounding board, my piece of mind.  Then my stinkin’ friends had to go and quit having kids, and here I am, still with little kids with no more mom’s group. Not having this support group anymore has made me realize how incredibly important it was. Maybe an ad on Craigslist? “Parent of six kids ages 2-14, looking to do play group, yet desperately not wanting to do a play group (it looses its appeal after 14 years), looking for some awesome moms, whose kids I like, get along with mine, and who I like to hang out with, who aren’t too young and hip.” Sigh.

Sure, I have a couple incredibly awesome neighborhood and Ann Arbor friends with little ones my kids who I love, but they are busy, juggling work and parenting.  I am busy juggling my kids.  We are all busy.  It just isn’t like it used to be for me, and I realize what a great thing we had.

So where does this leave us?  Trying to find a ways to effectively deal with the stresses of parenting.

I do strongly suggest a group like I had (hear the longing in my words?). A good first choice would be a group of other parents whom you can enjoy being with, and with whom you can share your daily parenting struggles, as well as accomplishments. Being able to brag “guess who pooped on the potty yesterday?” or complain “you won’t believe what my teen said to me” to a knowing, understanding, appreciative group is priceless. If this group can be play group for your younger kids as well, bonus.

If you need some alone, “only you” time, other kiddie-free groups may be the answer.  Perhaps a book group or any other interest of yours, be it knitting, wine tasting, bird watching…. whatever.  Something that gives you weekly self-worth besides “parent”, and gives you that much needed break. Check out the classes offered at www.aareced.com as well as Washtenaw County Community College.

Another viable option to give yourself a break from kids, get some exercise as well as recharge your parenting battery is to join an adult league of a sport you enjoy. I know of quite a few parents who love their bowling, softball/baseball, hockey, canoeing, biking or golf group.  You can commiserate about your kids while working up a sweat.

There is, often, that feeling of guilt (moms… especially us), that feeling that we are taking away time spent with the kids.  The day will come when our days are filled with nothing but time for us.  Most of us aren’t there yet, so we still need to make ourselves a priority at times.  I know this all too well, I tend to not give myself any alone fun time.  I have found that writing has become perfect, a chance to do something I enjoy, something that is mine alone.

We will all be better parents if we have some time to devote to just us.  Something to look forward to when we are pushed almost to our breaking point.

Not only will we be better parents, but it is good for our kids as well.  In the article  “Five Reasons Why Parents Need To Make Time For Themselves” (www.healthcompare.org), two of the reasons are:

1.  Teach a child independence.

A child who is taught from an early age to be self-sufficient will be able to function so much better as an adult and not have the “world owes them a living” sense of entitlement that makes for selfish, rude teenagers and adults. When taught that other people matter, these children are sure to be great spouses and parents themselves.

A parent who does not let the child know that their time and needs are important cannot expect that child to respect these things in the future. Children learn by example and conditioning. Teaching a child give and take will make them a far better member of society.

2.  Being with a child and catering to their needs first at all times is not a healthy scenario.

No matter how much you love your child, you can become resentful of having no time for yourself and your own needs. A good parent will see to it that their child has everything they need and not let themselves be guilted into depriving themselves of the little things that make life enjoyable.

Some of you can find time to do the things you love while the kids are around.  Sort of a parallel existence, where you are together yet worlds apart.  Not easy to do when the kids are toddlers and preschoolers (impossible, actually…  “let me help Mumma!”), but does work once they are past five.  For me this is gardening and cooking.  It gives me piece of mind, some time to think my own thoughts while doing something I enjoy.  Find something you like, be sure the kids are nearby and immersed in something safe and legal, then sneak away (not too far… no trips to the pub or out for a mani and pedi) for a bit every day.

Giving yourself a “time out” can do wonders in moments of stress or overly naughty kids.   I used to write this off as a tired, overused and under-effective technique.  Until I started trying it.  Sure, my “time out” might include a good book, a strong cup of coffee, chocolate or my computer, yet it is still a time away from the kids to gather my patience. Take two to twenty minutes, take a breath and collect your thoughts in place of ranting at the kids. Letting the kids know “I really need a minute to myself right now.  I am extremely angry at what just happened, and I need a few minutes to think” is a perfectly acceptable statement.  It teaches that you are human, have feelings, as well as modeling a great tool for dealing with anger.

Cheri Huber, author of Time-Out For Parents: A Guide To Compassionate Parenting, offers a Zen approach to using this technique in parenting:

“Instead of punishing our children by sending them into isolation, let’s offer ourselves time-out to discover our own needs, our own true selves. Then we will have everything we need to give our children what they need. Taking care of ourselves is a great kindness. When we are willing to provide ourselves what we need, we are much more willing to provide others what they need. Parenting from self-neglect and deprivation has little chance of succeeding.”

We all want nothing more than to succeed at parenting.

Being completely honest with your parenting partner is a must.  You need to be able to say without judgement, “I need a break; I am about to loose it. I can’t deal with any child right now.”

We all get there. We all need support. Some couples work out schedules or arrangements such as “the one who does the grocery shopping doesn’t take the younger kids with them,” or  “every other weekend is mom or dad’s night out.”

Having a friend you can turn to in times of intense stress is helpful. Someone who won’t judge you because you need to say, “I’m dropping off my not-so-sweet tots; I am about to loose it today,” so you can regroup.

Trying to keep cool when we are about to blow can be difficult.  If we have coping mechanisms in place, like the parent time out or the partner back up, we are better prepared. Keeping our cool can diffuse an otherwise explosive situation.  In her book Supernanny, Jo Frost agrees:

To a child, a stressed voice equals panic.  Children very quickly pick up the signs that you are frazzled, and most react by trying to take advantage of the situation…. staying calm and taking the time to warn them about what’s coming next let’s them know that you’re in charge.”

Teens give a whole new meaning to the word stress. Years ago I was complaining to my sister (who was mom of four teens then) about something my under-seven children were doing.  She said: “little kids, little problems.” How right she was.  The problems little kids have don’t seem little at the time, but having kids of all ages now, I know the truth of her statement. When the kids are little, the things that stress us out are tantrums, not potty training fast enough, not eating what we offer, the irritation of your child saying the word “poop” too often.

When they turn into ‘tween and teens, the things that stress us out change a great deal. These 11-19-year-old’s still have tantrums, hog the bathroom, indulge in bizarre diets, and say words that we don’t want to hear, although it isn’t “poop.” They fight back, with attitude, sarcasm and biting humor—at our expense. Then there is the unfortunate reality that there is no picking them up and hauling them to the naughty step.

There is the very serious side of being stressed out as a parent: becoming too stressed out or angry to effectively take care of the kids, to go as far as to harm them or take anger out on them. Many parents who do this didn’t know they were capable of such a thing. To know the warning signs and some effective ways to stop this behavior before it gets out of hand, go to:  helpguide.org

We do what we have to do to get through, most days.  I’ll bet you all have some fun or useful tips on what you do to make it all work…I’d love to hear them!

What do I do? I vacuum. A lot. Not because my house is in dire need, which it is, but because it sends my kids fleeing to other parts of the house.

My special alone time is vacuuming… sad, but true.

I learned the power of this tool by accident.  My daughter had a friend over, and as sweet as this girl could be, she was also annoying, following me, talking about everything and nothing.  I was about to vacuum, so I went ahead.  The little voice didn’t stop, but I couldn’t hear it.  The light bulb clicked on in my head.  I just kept vacuuming, smiling at her and nodding. From then on, whenever she came over, out came the vacuum.

My house was very clean on those days.

I find it works equally as well with my own kids.  Vacuum on, kids gone.

To keep my spirits up, I pretend to be drinking coffee throughout the day, when in all actuality I have a mug full of Haagen Daz ice cream and a spoon hidden in my pocket. It makes me feel like I am putting one over on my kids, and some days, I need that little bit.

Parenting is one of the most stressful jobs there is.  So much is expected of us, so much is riding on us doing a successful job.  While we can’t go around getting our frustrations out by whacking at things with a baseball bat, we do need to have simple, acceptable options. We need to admit we aren’t perfect parents, that our kids aren’t perfect kids, and that no matter how hard we try to make it all work, we will have days that are just a frustrating mess.

Accept that reality; deal with it effectively, then move on.

Some days I could literally run out of my house screaming. One of those days was yesterday:

• The dog got out of the house and was laying in a mud puddle.
• The five-year-old decided to be independent and pour juice, spilling it all over the kitchen floor.
• The two-year-old, who is potty training, wet her pants.
• The seven- and ten-year-old came in all muddy from outdoor mud play and flung muddy boots off in the entryway, sending mud splotches everywhere.

All within about five minutes.

Yes, I wanted to scream at every one of them (okay, I did at the older muddy girls).

Instead, I dealt with each mess according to urgency—the 70 pound muddy dog’s bath was last.

Then, I poured a fresh cup of coffee, poured in extra cream, told everyone I needed some time, turned on the television for them and went into my room with a new magazine.  No guilt, no stress for a few peaceful minutes.

Acknowledge when you have reached your limit; know when to say “Leave. Me. Alone.”

It’s okay, really. You deserve it and so do your kids. And if you do take the time, you won’t feel the need for that baseball bat.