Pushing Our Kids Away….Just A Bit

by Betsy McMillin

I am celebrating today. As well as mourning.

My tiniest tot, my sweet two and a half year old, fell asleep and slept in her own “big girl bed,” all night.  Okay, so her bed is right beside ours, but baby steps, right?

I wanted to pull her in, snuggle her tight, but didn’t. I wanted her to wake up and want me, need me.  She didn’t.  She took one more step into her little girl/big girl world.  She was so excited in the morning, proudly announcing her maturity to all her siblings.

I am proud too.  Yet sad.  Maybe it is because I only just weaned her from breastfeeding two months ago.   Some of you are thinking, “Oh… she’s one of those moms… baby-wearing, breastfeeding ’til two, co-sleeping types.” You bet I am.  At least, with number six, anyway.

Or, more accurately…. I was.

This is the first time it hit me:  I am not a mother of a baby anymore, nor will I ever be.  That I, as a mother, am moving on, just like her—letting go, saying goodbye to an era, a huge part of who I am.

Or who I was.

What I do know is that it is time to let my baby go, time to let her start becoming the incredible person she will undoubtedly become.  The interesting thing?  I find myself going through this same transformation with my other five kids as well—realizing that it is time to let them go a bit (or a lot) and grow up.

No matter what ages are kids are, no matter how new or seasoned we are as parents, we need to force ourselves to let our kids go, to let them fail so that they can learn, to find that delicate balance between keeping them young and innocent as long as possible, yet letting them grow up.

I walked by my 14-year-old daughter’s room the other morning, and she was still asleep.  Her arms were wrapped tightly around her stuffed snowman, her “lovey” since she was two.  Next to her bed on her desk I saw her laptop, make-up, Time magazine.  I saw a little girl.  I saw a young woman.

The teen years are filled with moments when we can see the child they were and sometimes are, yet see the adult we need to let them become.  We allow them to pull away; they push us away as well.  Then they need us, pull us right back, then push away again.  For those of you with teens, you know how it feels when they push us away: sarcasm, looks, the digging little remarks that are all attempts to wider the divide, to show they don’t need us as much as they used to.  I hate those times, but they are necessary. Parents need to teach respectful ways for them to be able to do this. Teens can say what they think, speak their minds, but they need to reminded whom they are talking to.  Parents aren’t punching bags or targets for abuse.  We are their parents. They aren’t adults yet; their brains are not fully developed, so they lack the judgement many times to think things through, or to think before they speak (although you and I know adults like this).

Here is an explanation from NPR , The Teen Brain: It’s Just Not Grown Up Yet. Quoted is Dr. Frances Jensen, a pediatric neurologist and mom of a teen:

To begin with, Jensen says, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected.

Really.

“It’s the part of the brain that says: ‘Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?’ ” Jensen says. “It’s not that they don’t have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they’re going to access it more slowly.”

That’s because the nerve cells that connect teenagers’ frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. Teenagers don’t have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or “white matter,” that adults have in this area.

Think of it as insulation on an electrical wire. Nerves need myelin for nerve signals to flow freely. Spotty or thin myelin leads to inefficient communication between one part of the brain and another.

Thank goodness we have some sort of explanation for the choices made during this time of life.

So, we step in when needed to make up for that lack of judgement, that “under-developed” brain.  We’re there to guide them as they push away.  They will make horrible, unclear, unbelievable choices that show no sort of forethought.  I know I made some really bad choices as a teen. At the time, going though it and facing the outcome these bad choices  had was monumental.  Days and nights of drama, guilt, remorse.  Parents need to remember that these choices, while having an influence on who our kids are (and possibly on who they are becoming), do not completely define who they are.  It is not the end of their story.  It may be a bump in the story, or a detour that we would rather they not take, but it isn’t the last chapter.

We have to let them make mistakes in order for them to become independent adults.  We can try to lead them down the right path, or give them what they need to choose the right path,  but in the end, many final decisions are ultimately their own.  They will make bad choices and there will be times that there is nothing we can do about it.

Sadly, for some teens, choices are made that do alter their lives, or worse yet, end it.  This is what all parents fear, so we need to do everything in our parental power to lead our kids, as we let them pull away, into not making these types of choices. Teaching kids to “see the big picture” is so difficult, because they live for the moment.

‘Tweens are not much different. I look at my 12-year-old son who has discovered texting (and become a bit too fond of it).  I know as a parent I need to govern it and control it.  To be sure what he is texting isn’t inappropriate (it isn’t), or too often (it is).  I also know I need to let go just a bit. I had planned on no phone for him for another  year or two, but gave in for convenience sake when dealing with sport schedules and pick-ups. He has successfully navigated the waters of his first year of middle school with flying colors.  He has shown good judgement so far.  He is realizing, quite developmentally appropriately, that peers are increasingly fun to be with, to communicate with.  Sure, I would rather he choose me to shoot hoops with like we do, but I have to realize that I am not “it” anymore.

This kind of pulling away hits especially close to home when we have been close with our kids. Rare now are the entire family movie nights, the fun-as-a-family outings. This part of letting go is difficult. With kids this age, when we have to let go, we can still feel the closeness, still feel the cuddles, the silly little kid.  We see glimpses of it now and again.  This makes the pushing away even more difficult. Yet, if we don’t push away a bit, they won’t learn to fail, and learn from mistakes. We have to give them the tools to make the right decisions, then allow them to try it out.  And hope to God they don’t make any mistakes too big.

With tw0-year-olds, the ability to gently push is easy, they are full of ,”I do it!” Giving them the room for trial-and-error occurs multiple times a day.  In fact, they demand that we stand back and let them try.

What about those sweet preschool and elementary ages?  I see my son and daughters with their new identities as big kids, their ideals and dreams of who they want to be.  For my five-year-old, it may be Luke Skywalker and my seven-year-old a fairy, but the ten-year-old is clearly beyond that.  She has more grounded dreams and aspirations.  She is headed into that pre-adolescent age that I so want to guard her from.  I want to scoop up her sweet, helpful, talkative nature and somehow preserve it.  I don’t want to let her grow up too fast.

Parents have pushing away to do at these tender ages as well.  Sigh.  While these are our babies, they are trying new skills every day and we need to foster that fun, experimental spirit.  We need to safely push them to do more on their own so they can see how successful they can be.  Nothing builds self esteem more than successfully conquering a new skill with no help.

There is a banner hanging up at the Ann Arbor Ice Cube from USA Hockey that embraces this age.  It reads:

Let them play.
Let them have fun.
Let them fail.
Let them learn.
Let them succeed.
Let them Be Kids.

We need to remember that they are kids and we need to allow them to remain kids as long as possible, but we need to give them the room to grow, to possibly fail which in turn allows them to learn on their own.  Watching our kids fail is heart wrenching. It’s tempting to jump in and fix everything, and many times we do.  Try to safely step back just a bit.  Or at least delay your reaction time.  Your kids may right themselves before you can get to them.

It is bed time at our house.  My newly independent two and a half year old has asked to sleep upstairs with the “big girls’.”

That means out of our room.

I take her up, snuggle her in with her sisters and kiss her goodnight.

I reluctantly, but lovingly, push her away… just a bit.