I am so sick of charts.

If I draw up, Google, copy, fill out or even see another chart, I may just hop on the next AATA bus that conveniently goes by my house every 20 minutes, and  go to the nearest martini bar.

Confession: There is one chart on the side of our fridge. It is a job chart with all six kids’ names and jobs (even the two-year-old. There will be no slacking at our house!!), as well as days of the week the jobs are assigned. This chart hasn’t changed in months, and it is the one chart I use.

Why my disdain for charts? I have tried so many over the years and none have been the panacea they all promise to be. Like Godfather character Michael Corleone, whose job as the head of The Family keeps “pulling him in,” I keep getting “pulled in” by the promise of The Chart. I have piles of half-filled out charts and behavior checklists started with the best intentions. There are the ever-popular “OOPS!” chart, the assertive discipline “X” chart, puppy training charts, food charts, potty charts, homework charts, job charts, reading charts, positive actions charts, “use your words” charts.

When’s the next bus?

Each chart was drawn up with the belief that, “This is what I need to get organized and whip my kids into shape!”

The three olive martini beckons.

Why do I keep going back to charts, knowing full well they may not work? As parents, we are always looking to the next best thing, the next study or proven remedy. We are hopeful and optimistic. It’s either that,  or we are thoroughly disgusted and frustrated. Most days it is mix of both. Charts help us put all our hopes and plans for good behavior in order.  They make us feel as if we are actually doing something about our kids’ behavior.

Charts do have benefits, no doubt.  They can be beneficial for kids with ADHD, ADD, PDD and some forms of autism. Kids with special needs do better with concrete reminders, as well as tangible rewards.

Charts put goals in smaller, achievable portions. Charts help us keep track of what is going on during the day, help us when changing the guard from parent-to-parent. Charts motivate our kids at times and track progress (or lack thereof).

My problem with charts is that while they do appear to work at first, they always quickly lose their appeal, stop working, or I just plain forget about them. I happened upon a Web site that gave suggestions on how to make charts more successful. It included making new charts frequently in order to limit target behaviors, choosing only a few key behaviors, color coding, choosing a 40-50 percent success rate), etc.  Calculating success rates is not what parents of six children do, let me tell you. We do head counts.

“Where’s the turtle?” (Not that I’m spending quality time with the turtle, as I wrote two weeks ago.)

The charts suggested on this site were way too much work, involved too much organizing, too much thought.  We are all so busy, no matter if we have one kid or twelve, stay at home or work outside the home.  One of the purposes of a chart is to make things more concrete and therefore easier for us as parents.   I have found that in the long run, they only complicate my parenting job.

So what to do in place of charts? How to keep track of what our kids are doing or not doing, to keep the peace, keep order?

I prefer anything that makes my life simpler. I don’t want to skimp on my parenting, but I want to simplify while keeping it effective.

Some of my favorite techniques are old school, simple, effective and don’t take much time.  They include 1-2-3 Magic, the Naughty Step, ( “Think About It” time for those over eight), as well as loss of privileges.

Some of you might think, “Oh yeah.  That.  Parenting 101. Tried it.  Been there, done that.”

But really… have you? Not sure? Ask the kids’ grandparents and tell them to be honest.

1-2-3  Magic, The Naughty Step,”Think About It” Time

1-2-3 Magic was created by Thomas Phelan (you can buy the book 1-2-3 Magic, or find a quick explanation here:  www.cyberparent.com/spoiled/123magic.htm). This is an easy way to deal with discipline with kids who are between 2- and 12-years-old. It is intended by Phelan to use for “stop-behaviors” that is, behaviors you want to end (such as whining, tantrums, inappropriate language), as opposed to “start-behaviors,” such as finishing homework, doing the dishes. etc. It gives kids a chance to fix/stop/change/ their own behavior, which I really like.  I use it for both stop and start behaviors and find it equally effective.

The four rules of this method are:

1. show no emotion

2. count evenly and consistently

3. no arguing, pleading, interacting, and finally

4. follow through at “three.” (None of this  “One… I am counting!!  LOOK AT ME!!  Two… you better hurry!  Two and 1/2…. [yelling] do you hear me???... three.  Okay, I mean it this time, 1…”)

It is a simple, firm “1…. 2…. 3” and if your child hasn’t answered the call, it is a trip to the Naughty Step (thank you Jo Frost, a.k.a. SuperNanny). For 2- to 7-year-olds give one minute for each year of their age. If your child gets up before the timer rings? It is back to the step, timer set all over again. And again. And again. No interacting with your child when they are on the Naughty Step, or during the 1-2-3 counting. This way your child learns that such behavior won’t sway you. If my kids yell out something rude or nasty or negative from the Naughty Step, I add another minute, no words from me except “that earned you another minute.”

Some behaviors do not warrant even a 1-2-3, but straight to the Naughty Step. (physical harm of any kind, disrespectful language and the like).

For older kids (eight and up), you can have them use a “think about it”  for 15 minutes in their rooin place of the Naughty Step.  If their room is a haven of techy, tv and music fun, make a new “think about it” place that is no fun.  Need to drive the point home a bit more?  If you meet with resistance or disrespectful language from older kids, they can lose a privilege, or do an extra job as well (write it down on the calendar or a note on the fridge so you don’t forget).

Here’s how this works at our house: each child (ages 5-14) takes turns doing the dinner dishes every day. Their initial is on the calendar (not a chart, seriously). If there is no response to the 1-2-3, a quick erase of the daily job person’s initial, replaced by the 1-2-3 offender’s (if offender is supposed to do dishes on that day, s/he gets two days). My kids hate doing dishes, so it carries the weight I want it to.

Find something your kids really dislike (a lot) and use it to your advantage.

For the Naughty Step, or the Think About It, when time is up your child needs to do three important things:

1. understand what s/he did wrong

2. apologize (meaningfully) to you (for inconveniencing you) and to the person (if any) they involved in their stinky behavior.  No sarcastic, mean, blunt “sorry.”

3. get a hug and an “I love you” from you.  Yes, even your 5′ 8″ grumpy teen… s/he may act like it’s torture, but who cares?  Kids need affection.

I know these are simple techniques. Give them a chance for one week. Really follow the rules. This means addressing every behavior, every time possible for one week. Every. Stinking. Time. Your kids will respond. Our kids are smart.  Really smart.  They will play us whenever they can.  If they know that we don’t follow though,  know we don’t mean what we say, then the inmates will run the asylum, so to speak.

Will these strategies work every time, every day? No, but your kids will learn that you mean what you say.

Fast forward two or three months:  You are at the park with your sweet wee one, or the mall with your oh-so-cool 13- year-old.  It is time to go, and after your five minute warning is up you call your child’s name (or text them, wondering why they aren’t at the arranged pick up spot) and your child doesn’t respond, or says “I don’t want to!” You reply with a firm “time to go!  1….2…” and before you can get to 3, sweet kiddo is coming your way, no arguing (13-year-old is slinking your way embarrassed).

Every parent watching is amazed, in awe and even a bit jealous of your incredible parenting skills.

Just a fantasy?  Nope, it is what you get for charting a different course, for simply (or not so simply) following through. I know I wrote last week that entitlement was a problem, but practice good follow through and you’ll be entitled to pat yourself on the back.