Less is more. Tell that to any American kid and see what kind of a response you get.

If for some reason, you are having a hard time picturing entitled kids (which I doubt), think of the book/film Willy Wonka with the lovely Miss Varuca Salt. Remember her?  Her entitled demands for an Oompah-Loompah (or a squirrel in the newer version),  her insistence of, “Get it for me now Daddy! I want it now!” got her a trip down the garbage (or nut) chute.

Try on this concept for size:

“Teaching kids how wonderful they are even before they have accomplished anything will tend to make kids think they deserve stuff just for being so great.”—Paul Harvey, researcher, University of New Hampshire

Note: Younger children (one through three) go through an ego-centric stage when it is all about them. They need reinforcement, accolades, rewards for learning and doing every day tasks. We clap, laugh and cheer as they begin to walk across the floor, we give stickers or treats for every successful potty sit. It is necessary at this stage of development. As they get older and master certain milestones (everything from sitting up to tying shoes), we back off on the rewards, lessen the treats, the cheering. How many six-year-old’s get rave reviews for walking across the room?

Yet here we all are, still clapping and cheering and handing out tokens for doing what is already learned, what our kids should be doing anyway—everyday behavior. We have done our children a great disservice, and it was done out of complete ignorance, out of our best (yet wrong) intentions, wanting to please our kids, to make them happy.  We are so darned proud of them, to a fault.

This has resulted in a generation of entitled kids.  You know these kids. These kids expect things should be done for them, given to them, and to have things handed over for doing next to nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love to do things for my kids, love to let them know when they have accomplished something great (or even good) and give them kudos when they’ve risen to the occasion. The problem is that we, as parents, have taken this culture of “accolades” to an extreme.  We have continued reinforcing after a new task is learned, bent over backwards to reward (to an unappreciative audience most often). We have taken the occasional gift,  the once-in-awhile small token, the much deserved reward, and turned it into an every outing, something-for-nothing occurrence. We are so worried about bruised egos, not boosting self-esteem or even just saying “no” that we have let it get in the way of raising responsible, considerate human beings.

It starts with the Goody Bag. Parents loathe the Goody Bag. I’d love to never see, give out, or receive another Goody Bag. Yet at every party, there it is. Kids even ask “Where are the Goody Bags?” They are expected.

That is when kids (and parents) turn an appreciated thing into one that is perceived as entitled—when it is expected.

What is so wrong with the Birthday Kid being the one it is all about that day? You might think, “A Goody Bag says ‘thanks for coming and getting me a gift.'”  Isn’t cake, ice cream, pizza, pop, games, party fun and being with friends enough?

No, our kids want more; they expect more.

We’ve created an entitled nation on the sports field (or rink, or course, etc), as well. Our kids get awards and trophies for participating. For being there. For being mediocre athletes.

Ouch.

There. I said it.  Most of our kids, as amazing, smart, funny, talented and amusing as they are, are average.  Shouldn’t they get something for all the work and time they put into their sport/activity?  I say Yes!  How about encouragement from parents, from the coach/teachers?  How about a trip out for ice cream at the end of the season?  How about an “I am so proud of you?!” Letting them know what a great thing they are doing for their bodies and minds, that they are starting something special that can last a healthy, fun lifetime.

Some of you may disagree with my opinion about the entitled nation: my husband does. The argument is that in the early years, it is important to encourage kids to participate in activities. My problem comes when trying to explain when enough becomes too much. At what age do we not need to “Grow the Game,” or need tokens to keep kids interested? At what age should the kudos from coaches, the words of encouragement,  the knowledge that what our kids are doing is good for them, suffice? Many times a kind word, some special help, some silly fun, a meaningful compliment at sporting practice goes a long way. I just don’t think the encouragement needs to come in the form of a trophy.

If we hand out trophies/awards/prizes to every kid at every event, the trophies mean less and less. How many of our kids have “participation trophies” at home? Again, when kids expect the reward (as opposed to earning it… really earning it), it reinforces the sense of entitlement.

We are so worried about our kids feeling left out or hurt if they don’t all get something that we have created a nation of kids who think they deserve everything.

The creation of the entitled nation begins at home.

We all love to see our kids happy, but our kids are getting too much stuff. Look around your living room, play room, basement, kids’ rooms. We complain about our kids having “too much stuff,” yet we continue to feed the The Entitled Monster.  We give our kids so much for doing so little, that they expect some reward for doing next to nothing.  Every trip to the store is  a battle because they have come to expect something… anything. They have to have that tangible trinket they so don’t need, and most times, don’t deserve.

My five-year-old son has an unbelievably difficult time getting dressed in the morning, and into jammies at night.  The other day, after he got dressed he asked, “Do I get a treat?” to which I answered “No Buddy… good job getting dressed, but I am not going to give you a treat for doing something you know to do and need to do every day.”  If he does it quickly, and with no reminder? First, I fall over with disbelief, then give him huge high fives (At our house, high fives never lead to detention or VOEs, as the AAPS student-writer of another A2Politico piece posted not to too ago), hugs and verbal kudos too.

Too many ‘tweens expect a cell phone (monthly bill paid for), and the latest iPod. Sixteen-year-olds expect cars, and older members of the entitled nation expect that their college studies will be paid for.

The really scary result of all this entitlement?  We are raising a group of individuals who do not know how to work, do not know how to be persistent, to do a good job for the sake of accomplishment. This is such a recognized epidemic (for lack of a better word) that our kids (and those older, now entering the work force) have been named “The Trophy Kids” a.k.a. “millennials” (www.thetrophykids.com).

A 2008 article in the Wall Street Journal discusses this problem:

Where do such feelings (of entitlement) come from? Blame it on doting parents, teachers and coaches. Millennials are truly “trophy kids,” the pride and joy of their parents. The millennials were lavishly praised and often received trophies when they excelled, and sometimes when they didn’t, to avoid damaging their self-esteem. They and their parents have placed a high premium on success, filling résumés with not only academic accolades but also sports and other extracurricular activities.

Now what happens when these trophy kids arrive in the workplace with greater expectations than any generation before them? “Their attitude is always ‘What are you going to give me,’ ” says Natalie Griffith, manager of human-resource programs at Eaton Corp. “It’s not necessarily arrogance; it’s simply their mindset.”

Scary.

Another study done at The University of New Hampshire (2010) found that 20-somethings in the workplace who show entitled behavior have the tendency to take credit for good outcomes and blame others when things go wrong. They also are less happy in their jobs and more apt to cause conflict in the workplace, especially with their supervisors.

Isn’t the goal of The Parent Trap to raise our kids to become intelligent, independent, happy, polite individuals who can succeed in society, land and keep a job? Parents need to combat the Entitled Nation. It is not going to be easy, and it won’t be a quick fix. I’m not looking forward to it. Oh the battles! The tears! Unhappy kids (heaven forbid). But then again, oh, the payoff.

My mantra? “It is never too late.”

First, stop and listen to your kids this week. Really listen. When they need/want something,  how do they phrase it (to you or anyone else?).  If it starts with “I want,” “I need…”, “Give me…”,  “When do I get…?”  then they need to be reminded about the correct, polite way to ask for something.  (This is a manners issue as well.. see The Parent Trap, March 6). Ask what they did (if anything) to deserve this treat/privilege. Notice if they show disbelief when things don’t go their way, or throw a fit if they don’t receive what they believe they deserve.

Address “wants” versus “needs” (first grade AAPS curriculum, by the way). What happens when they don’t get a reward for doing what they should be doing anyway. All kids want. All kids hope to get something. If we can scale back on them expecting it, we’re doing a good job.

Do your kids get an allowance (which can be a great money-managing teaching tool when it is done correctly)? Be sure it isn’t an amount that is too much for what they do. They need to complete what they are supposed to before you pay them. I prefer not giving allowance, instead paying for jobs that fall above and beyond daily chores. This is what we do at our house, my husband and I teach that daily jobs are part of being a family. Besides, if we gave all six of ours an allowance, we would be out of cash fast, and the kids’ bank accounts more flush than ours.

When a child has been stellar, really done a great job, s/he doesn’t always need a tangible reward. With younger ones, getting on their level, looking them in the eyes and letting them know how proud you are, or what a super job they did goes a long way, followed by a huge bear hug. If they ask, “But don’t I get anything?” smile and say, “You just did!”

Encouraging older kids to help out with others through volunteering (I’ll write about this later) is one of the best ways to cure entitlement. Volunteering opportunities are plentiful in our area. Choose something that your child enjoys (if you can… if not, there are still plenty of options) and find a way to give back, to help out. When older kids do a great job, when they raise the bar and achieve, they do deserve something. Think before handing out; the reward doesn’t need to be extravagant—it could be some extra time with friends, “get out of a job at home” offer or the loan of the car for the evening (Because hopefully no, your 16-year-old did not get their own car).

Yes, our kids do deserve rewards and our praise. We just need to step back and be sure we are rewarding behavior that is above and beyond what is expected of them—that we aren’t being over-zealous and cheering/rewarding every day, typical accomplishments.

No more something for next to nothing.

I’m printing t-shirts: Ban all Goody Bags. Just kidding.

I’d probably meet with some serious opposition from party planners, Oriental Trading Company, and the millions of children in the United States under twelve-years-old.

---

Betsy McMillin has called Ann Arbor home for 20 years. It’s where she and her husband are currently raising their kids, ages 2 to 14. In addition to the six kids, she holds three degrees from Eastern Michigan University, one each in Elementary Education, Special Education and Early Childhood Education. Her hobbies (as of the past 14 years) include kids, laundry, cooking, diapers and breastfeeding. Betsy will be writing for A2Politico about parenting. She has about a million ideas for columns (assuming she and A2Politico make it to the year 2200), and will answer parenting questions from readers. Email parenting questions to: parenttrap@A2Politico.com.