by Bryan Kelly

AFTER MONTHS DORMANT, Ann Arbor officials have rekindled the effort to market for development the Library Lot, a parcel of land about the size of the parking lot that used to be adjacent to the downtown library.

I have not reached the guru level of marketing; I’m an orange belt, presently. But I did make a foray into the marketing section of the public library recently, and sat down for a two-hour reading blitz (interrupted by a Spanish conversation group) to study up on the matter.

Armed with some loose wisdom, I have assembled thoughts on how the city might proceed with the Library Lot’s marketing and development.

For starters, I reviewed the site in question, and found it wanting. (It is not customary to admit the deficiencies of a project at the outset. But I am following the advice of one of the marketing books I read, which was, “Throw everything you’ve ever read about marketing out the window.” It wasn’t my book to discard, or I would have done so.)

As I see it, the mandate to include a 12,000-square foot park in the site plan is a major hiccup. If green space is a goal of the area, it will be difficult to envision without first procuring some dynamite. Concrete is not porous.

In addition, demolition work of a high decibel level may threaten to disturb the peace of the library area. However, as I discovered, most everyone in the library is not actually reading. Rather, they are on the computer or on the telephone. Or speaking Spanish with children. In fact, one suffers through more clamor at that library than in most cafes, and some bars. But now is not the time to review library etiquette or mixology.

Let us address some of the virtues of the site. It is centrally located. Indeed, it is a water-balloon’s throw away from many Ann Arbor landmarks, including…the library. Blake Transit Center is right across the street, and there is ample, if eerie, parking underneath. For once, transportation and parking for potential employees and patrons will not be an issue.

The primary virtue of the site is that it has been a long time since it was anything but a concrete jungle. Correction: for a while, it was a large hole. Only the most able memory stretches further back than that. Therefore, anything will be an improvement over nothing, which is the current situation. This bodes well for even the lousiest site plan.

However, the city has already turned down a number of good, and some great, development suggestions. I particularly liked Mr. Dennis Dahlmann’s site plan. It was remarkably ambitious. A Creativity Promenade. A Reading Garden. An Ice Rink. Mr. Dahlmann, you are the Mike Ilitch of Ann Arbor. I hope you trade everyone who voted against your site plan in exchange for Max Scherzer.

The city’s rejection of Mr. Dahlmann’s plan makes me excited. Holding two kings, our leadership calmly looked into the dealer’s eyes and proclaimed, “Hit me.” It is against all predominant Blackjack wisdom—but then, to succeed, one must throw out the window everything one has ever read about Blackjack.

To properly market the site, the city must let developers’ imaginations run wild. “Have no fear” must be its message.

With this in mind, here are some modest suggestions for how best to use the parcel:

A PLACE TO DUMP SNOW: I think our current approach of simply moving snow hither and thither all winter is a poor one. Snow is a persistent precipitation; it stays long past its welcome.

The Library Lot could be a great dumping ground for snow. Imagine the magnitude of the pile we could form! One could sled to just about anywhere in town if they aimed properly.

And it could be more than a dump. We could harness snow’s load-bearing power. Imagine: a giant cube of snow—or better yet, a rectangular solid. A high-rise of compacted powder….space for rent…retail on the ground floor, residential above…all revenues to the affordable housing fund. Best of all, unlike most high rises, it will melt away by and by.

A YEAR ROUND RV PARK/CAMPGROUND. Campgrounds combine Ann Arbor’s love of the outdoors with its zeal for affordable housing—and RVs speak to the universal love of tailgating. Once we install some trees and a sewage hookup, we’ll be halfway to the best RV park in the county. (Conflict of interest disclosure: a cousin of mine owns Big Al’s RV Barn in Jackson.) I can hear the engines of this idea idling now.

A FORUM TO DISPLAY OFFENDERS: I believe it is wise to invest in stocks. Not the fiduciary kind, though. I mean the kind in which you lock a miscreant’s head and hands and submit them to public ridicule.

I believe in the social benefit of embarrassment. Most of what I remember from school stuck only because of some attendant humiliation. And I think fines and fees, levied and paid in the stolid hush of our police courts building, are a mishandling of justice.

Let felons suffer their sentence publicly! Our species has served centuries of retribution in jails and prisons, far from the public eye. What have we to show for it? Our conduct hasn’t improved one bit.

As a centrally-located, frequently-trafficked locale ideal for heaping scorn on vandals, the Library Lot has no peer. City officials will tell you crime is at historic lows. I believe we can stoop even lower, by getting more historic.

There: I have exploded the possibilities of developing the Library Lot with the dynamite of my ideas. I have minced along the Creativity Promenade. I look forward to the round of submissions authored by individuals more qualified, if less ambitious, than myself.