The Parent Trap: Should Pre-Teens Date?

by Betsy McMillin

Definition of tween dating: “Awkwardly walking down the hall at school together.”—an anonymous (but very cool) tween

So…. when can I, technically, “date?”

This from my almost thirteen-year-old son. Okay, I’ll say it… that makes him twelve. And he didn’t mean walking down the hall together. If those dating words, heard for the first time, don’t send fear into any parent’s heart, I don’t know what does. Just as he may be feeling when he sees his new crush, my heart starting racing, my palms got sweaty and I panicked, just a bit.  This is unknown territory for me…what do I do now??

As with much of my parenting, I had this whole dating thing all figured out and how to deal with it. Until it really happened. All of a sudden, it wasn’t as clear cut and obvious as I had thought. It wasn’t as easy.

A better way for parents to expend their energy, Dr. Madsen says, is to emphasize constant, warm oversight over just setting rules. She calls this setting “supervisory” rules, or keeping up a free flow of communication without intruding too much. This means asking teens to disclose plans, check in by phone and inform parents when plans change. In such cases, the adults were focusing on their roles as parents rather than their own love lives. These parents also had the healthiest relationships with their children.

I can appreciate that, especially wanting to have a good, open relationship with a lot of communication. But “without intruding too much”? I am feeling as if I need to intrude (delicately, of course)… I need to know as many details as possible. I need to intrude so that I have a clear picture of exactly what is going on in his mind as well as when he is with The Girl.

Here are some simple rules from advice king, Dr. Phil:

Teenagers shouldn’t have serious dating relationships. No 14-year-old needs to have an intense boyfriend or girlfriend. Encourage group dates supervised by an adult.

Don’t allow your teenager to close the bedroom door when someone of the opposite sex is over. This should be a non-negotiable rule.

Talk with your teenager. The more conversations you have, the less likely he/she will be to get into trouble. If you’ve always kept the door open for discussions, your child will be more likely to come to you with questions or problems.

If you’re too oppressive and restrictive, you are guaranteeing rebellion. Use logic and reason when creating rules for your teenager.

Don’t just forbid certain activities, explain why you forbid them. Doing this will help your teenager understand that you’re not merely trying to be bossy or imposing arbitrary rules.

As a parent, it’s your job to teach your teenager the importance of self-worth. Teenagers who value themselves as they are won’t need to “find themselves” in other people.

Pretty obvious, but sometimes we need to be reminded of the obvious, especially in parenting where our job gets muddied by our own emotions, memories and feelings, not to mention egos. Sometimes we don’t see the danger in what our kids are doing, or we see it, but choose to look the other way, for whatever reason. Don’t look away. In fact, look closely so you can be sure what you are seeing is what is really happening. Kids do crazy things and remember, their brains are not fully developed yet. They are growing up in a world that we didn’t experience in many ways. Here is a study of tween and teens from Loveisrespect.org that reminds us to look closely and be involved with our kids so we don’t miss any warning signs:

• One out of five 13 and 14-year-olds responded that they knew a friend who was physically abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend. Half said that they know someone who was verbally abused.
• Nine percent of 11 to 12-year-olds say that their friends have sex.
• Nearly 70 percent of kids who have sex before they turn 14 experience some kind of abuse.
• Half of all tweens who responded didn’t know the warning signs of an abusive relationship.
• Significant numbers of tweens and teens experienced abuse through the use of technology (IMing, texting, etc).

While these numbers are scary, they are important to think about. I didn’t even consider these types of hurdles when dating came up with my son. But now I am armed to talk to him about it and be sure he understands that dating and relationships are about a lot more than texting and holiday presents.

If you want/need more dating tips and advice, the following article has a great deal of excellent ideas and guidelines: http://www.athensparent.com/articles/featuregen/boycrazy.html

So my plan is to not let him go on a date. Maybe the group thing. Lots of talks about how to act around girls, how to be a gentleman, how to act in public. I keep taking random samples of his texts, all clear there. I also keep him involved in the importance of other things: lots of hockey (get all those raging hormones out in a good game of hockey!), school comes first (keep up those As!) and family is still oh-so-important. Now is the time in his life for friends, family and fun, not intense relationships.

I am proud of my growing son. I am nervous and I dread the mistakes that I know he is going to make. Can’t be helped. But most of all I am proud of the person he is becoming.

News from my spy is that my son hugged his “girlfriend” when they said goodbye at school. I think maybe I can deal with a hug. Hugs are good, I like hugs.

Gulp.