The Parent Trap: Raising Girls “Full Of Awesome” (Self-Esteem)

by Betsy McMillin

I am raising four girls ages three to fifteen, and I am scared. Cautiously optimistic, yet wary and scared.

Every day I, along with countless other parents of young girls, face obstacles that  interfere with raising confident, positive, body-image- strong, healthy girls.

It starts early in the day as my three-year-old watches her beloved Dora (and I get my 1/2 hour of crazy get-something-done time). In between the show, she sees commercials for Disney Princesses, Bratz, Barbie. All glitzy, pink, seductive doe-eyed and with impossible-to-ever-obtain bodies. Sure, I could safely stick to PBS (or better yet, turn the T.V. off altogether) but darn it, she loves talking with Dora and I need to get the laundry done.

It gets even worse later in the day, I witness a commercial for “Lelly Kelly” shoes and the commercial is without a doubt targeting the four to six-year-old crowd. The shoes are super glitzy, lots of shiny bright rainbows colors, eye candy to the max. The problem?  The shoes come with a fake cell phone that has make up (real make up) inside.

Okay, I am getting rid of the T.V. and moving my family to a remote area of the Upper Peninsula.

I have fought this beast for thirteen years now. It started when my friend and I were facing a rainy day with our two-year-olds and had done the library, Botanical Gardens, Museum of Natural History and The Hands On Museum to death. On a whim, we decided to do something crazy and go look at Toys R Us. Keep in mind, we are two newer moms, our babies (mine a girl, hers a boy) had only played with non-plastic, unisex toys or had been offered toys from the both genders. No gender stereotyping for our tiny tots.
As soon as we walked in the door, her son ran to the the aisle with riding toys, my daughter right for the baby dolls. My friend and I looked at each other in shock. How could this be?

It was at that moment I realized I had a battle on my hands and had no idea how to deal with it. Not a battle of my daughter wanting to play with baby dolls, but that marketing, along with an inner female drive would be playing a definite roll in raising my daughter. I was not aware of how unhealthy it could be. Playing with girl toys was the least of my worries.

On the Christmas when this same daughter was three, my husband and I decided that Barbies were to not be part of the picture. Bad body image, make up, a negative roll model all the way around.

Perhaps we should have shared this vision with family members.

During a family party, my daughter not only received a Barbie, but a remote control Barbie car, a child sized pop-up Barbie tent, Barbie bedding and a Barbie sleeping bag. She was three.

My daughter was in heaven. I felt like a visit to the bathroom to hurl was in order.

Fast forward to now. I have a fifteen-year-old with a pretty healthy body image. Does she think she is fat? Yep, and she is so not. Did playing with Barbies ruin her self image? Nope. Granted, they were never her favorite, but she still had them.

Our house has Barbies now, many in fact. My eight year old loves them. So be it.

I do say a firm no to Bratz dolls though, I can’t deal with the sex they scream.

What I am seeing in raising girls is a huge difference from when my oldest was three to now, when my youngest is. And that is what scares me so much.

Our girls are being bombarded with make up, cosmetic surgery, manis and pedis, sexy clothing, suggestive/sex-laden words, dances and overall body image. They see it on T.V., on the internet, and on their ipods. It is plastered on ads everywhere you go. And God forbid you watch a sports game of any type of T.V.  Your kids will be blinded by sex and alcohol ads not to mention snippets of other completely inappropriate shows on that or another channel.

The biggest problem with all of this is that our girls are being shown over and over that the only way to be “beautiful” is some bizarre “normal” or “perfect” that doesn’t even exist. It is making them feel unattractive no matter what they look like or what kind of person they are. They are in pursuit of a “perfect” that is unhealthy, unnatural, expensive and downright ridiculous.

Does it seem I am overreacting?

This is from: The Daily Beast: “Generation Diva” by Jessica Bennett:

Sounds extreme? Maybe. But this, my friends, is the new normal: a generation that primps and dyes and pulls and shapes, younger and with more vigor. Girls today are salon vets before they enter elementary school. Forget having mom trim your bangs, fourth graders are in the market for lush $50 haircuts; by the time they hit high school, $150 highlights are standard. Five-year-olds have spa days and pedicure parties. And instead of shaving their legs the old-fashioned way—with a 99-cent drugstore razor—teens get laser hair removal, the most common cosmetic procedure of that age group. If these trends continue, by the time your tween hits the Botox years, she’ll have spent thousands on the beauty treatments once reserved for the “Beverly Hills, 90210” set, not junior highs in Madison, Wis.

Add to that:

There’s no evidence to prove that women who start primping early will primp more as they get older, but it’s a safe assumption that they won’t slow down. And what that means, say psychologists, is the evolution of a beauty standard that’s becoming harder to achieve. New statistics from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery show that cosmetic- surgery procedures performed on those 18 and younger have nearly doubled over the past decade.

Cosmetic surgery for those 18 and under. How incredibly sad that a girl feels so ugly that she has to go under the knife to correct something that needs no correcting. Or that she is so unhappy with who she is that she feels a need for this. That she is “wrong” without it.

It is our job as parents to help our girls. To let them know how beautiful they are, inside and out. To let them find things in their life that makes them shine and feel good about themselves. To have a positive body image and know that people are not Barbie dolls or models and how incredibly unhealthy this can be.  That real beauty is through actions, attitude, manners, positive yet realistic self image, health.

Much easier said than done, especially when we have media not on our side.

Here is what we are facing, again from Bennett:

Four years ago, a survey by the NPD Group showed that, on average, women began using beauty products at 17. Today, the average is 13—and that’s got to be an overstatement. According to market-research firm Experian, 43 percent of 6- to 9-year-olds are already using lipstick or lip gloss; 38 percent use hairstyling products; and 12 percent use other cosmetics. And the level of interest is making the girls of “Toddlers & Tiaras” look ordinary. “My daughter is 8, and she’s like, so into this stuff it’s unbelievable,” says Anna Solomon, a Brooklyn social worker. “From the clothes to the hair to the nails, school is like No. 10 on the list of priorities.”

Okay, first of all… did that mom, a social worker, say “like” as a filler twice in that quote and they included it?? See the Parent Trap, Oct. 16, 2011.

And about Toddlers and Tiaras, that is so ridiculous to me, I can’t even go there. As if our little girls don’t face enough hurdles!

An excellent girl power website that one of my favorite moms shared with me is pigtailpals.com (by Melissa Wardy) which is a site aimed at raising girls and empowering them. Check it out at: http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/waking-up-full-of-awesome/

This site asks the question: “Does your daughter wake up full of awesome?”

The author is referring to the feeling that many younger girls have when they are four through ten when the world is theirs and they are indeed, Full Of Awesome. Many of our girls slowly (some quickly) lose that self-esteem as they get older and the goal is to get it back. To find what makes our girls truly awesome and make sure they are feeling it, knowing it.

My daughter is turning eight this week and I can see her Full Of Awesome slipping away at school (she is still Full Of Awesome at home, thank goodness). She is facing a learning problem and for the first time is looking around her and realizing the other kids in her class do a lot better. It is heartbreaking. The only thing I can do is get her the help she needs from school (check), help her myself (check) and keep pumping her full of awesome (double check). I am also putting her back in hockey at her request. There is no better self esteem and girl empowering thing for my girls than girls’ hockey. When you are told “girls rock!” all the time by your coach and also that your body is meant to be strong and work hard, how can you not be Full Of Awesome? It has done absolute wonders for my ten-year-old daughter.

Sports, be it team or individual, is a great Awesome filler. It gives our girls a healthy life style, a positive self image and exercise to boot. Doesn’t matter if it is a team sport like soccer, hockey or basketball, or an individual sport like swimming, tennis, golf, roller-blading. Whatever gives them a break from media and a focus on something that makes them feel great about themselves and how their body works and feels. The same feelings can come from a love or interest in art, reading, writing… any strength!  Build on it and make them so Full Of Awesome that they see beauty and pride in themselves.

For more on girls and self esteem and body image, check out:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisinggirls/bodies/image.html

http://www.focusas.com/BodyImage.html

Moms, let us not forget that we are role models for our girls. If we are constantly critiquing ourselves in a negative light or bashing our looks and bodies, our daughters will surely follow suit. We need to lead the way with healthy lifestyles and positive comments about our own bodies. Show our girls our strengths and how to achieve happiness though all different avenues, not just looks. Sure, we all like to look our best and feel good about how we look, but we need to teach our daughters a realistic and healthy expectation.

Let’s do everything we can to make our girls Full Of Awesome. Let our girls see that beauty comes from within and from loving what we do, and not just how we look. Give them the tools to see past the make up, the clothes and Botox and into the attitude and personality of  themselves and others. Lead them to have interests to keep them busy and feeling good about what they do. Let our girls understand that beauty is healthy, happy girls and that they are, truly Full Of (and brimming over with) Awesome.