by, like, Betsy McMillin

I, like, was going to be, like, late for class? So I like, hurried and I totally, like bumped right into Mr. Smith? My books and papers went, like, everywhere? I thought I was going to, like, get detention!

Sound familiar? If not from your own kid(s), someone else’s?

Our kids (and sometimes adults too) have an obsession with improperly using and abusing the word “like” (as well as that strange ‘tween way of turning every sentence/point into a question). All you need to do is listen to perhaps your own kids, or many conversations kids are having. Your ears will start to bleed with the horrible sound of the word “like” used over and over.

When did it all start and why?

Here are some interesting facts on the use of “like” from hotword.dictionary.com:

Many people believe Moon Unit Zappa and her 1982 single Valley Girl are responsible for popularizing this usage of “like” precisely at the moment Ms. Zappa sang, “It’s like, barf me out.” The sociolect that the song celebrates, Valspeak, originates in Southern California.  In reality, the slang use of the word “like” has been a part of popular culture dating as far back as 1928 and a cartoon in the “New Yorker” that depicts two women discussing a man’s workspace with a text that reads, “What’s he got – an awfice?” “No, he’s got like a loft.” The word pops up again in 1962’s “A Clockwork Orange” as the narrator proclaims, “I, like, didn’t say anything.”

The notorius usage of “like” appeared as linguistic filler as early as the 19th century with the following passage in Robert Louis Stevenson’s 1886 novel Kidnapped: “’What’s like wrong with him?’ said she at last.”

“Like” is an extensible word that can be used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective, preposition, particle, conjunction, and interjection.

With so many options for use, wouldn’t one think we could use the word correctly?

I have known this nagging habit is apparent (gosh I love to use the word “apparent” in a parenting column) because it pops up all the time in my own house with my kids. I realized how epidemic it is when my 15-year-old (who is no stranger to using it herself) was complaining about kids in her class using “like” way too much. Her observation was right on: she noticed how using the filler “like” can take an intelligent thought and make it sound stupid, or the speaker not so smart.

This from Teach Your Kids to Speak Clearly at family.go.com:

The over-use of fillers can make the listener think that the talker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Using a silent pause, rather than a filler sounds more articulate and knowledgeable. Imagine if the President of the United States spoke this way: “Fellow Americans, it’s um, like very important that we like…” Would anybody take him seriously?

Most people, kids and adults alike, are not aware that they are using the filler, or to what extent. It becomes so habitual, so second nature that they don’t even notice how horrible it sounds. We all know how difficult it can be to quit a habit, and using “like” inappropriately is no different. Kids need to be aware that they are using it and how often.

My mom told me this story about Yours Truly:
I was a teenage blatant abuser of the naughty “like.” My mom tried to make me aware of it, to no avail. One day I was telling her a story and she patiently listened. When I was done, she said, “Betsy, you used the word ‘like’ 36 times.”

While I knew I used it, I sure didn’t know I used it that much. She continues the tale by saying I stopped using the filler right then and there. I’m not sure about that, but she is, so I’ll go with it.

Most kids love to be chatty, but even shy, quiet kids can be incredibly chatty in a comfortable, safe environment, such as home.  When kids are talking, they prefer to have the floor as long as possible and like to maintain the attention spot. “Like” fits in nicely here as it allows the speaker to hold onto that position. Sticking in “like” says: “don’t even try to butt in because I am still working on a thought and don’t want to give up the floor.”

If this sounds like the reason your child uses “like,” a great way to limit or extinguish the “likes” is to let them know that they have your attention; that you are not going to wander off physically of mentally. Let them know that you care about what they have to say and that you are going to continue listening while they take their time and try to leave out the “likes.” Continue patiently listening (See The Parent Trap, June 12, 2011) until have finished their story/explanation/tidbit of information. If they know that they won’t be interrupted or tuned out, they may find it easier to slow down and filter out the “likes”. Can you do this all the time, at every conversation? No way, life is too hectic and busy, but if you are working on the goal of getting rid of the “likes,” take the time and treat it as a lesson.

Again, from Teach You Child to Speak Clearly:

Children use fillers to take up space while they’re trying to organize their thoughts to express an idea, for example, “It means, um…” They also use the filler like to give examples when they are describing something: “It’s like when…”

Some kids will need more time to organize their thoughts. Some will do themselves a huge service by learning to slow down. We all can benefit by thinking through everything before we speak. It won’t be an overnight success or an easy task, but it can be done.

What to do to help get rid of the nails-on-a-chalkboard use of like? At our house, our approach may not be the kindest or the most kid friendly. It may even fall under undermining the importance of positive self esteem. But I am learning that as a parent, some things need to be dealt with head-on, and this is one of them.

Namby-pamby, sugary “honey, you just used ‘like’ again” won’t get rid of the problem.

So what do we do? At the dinner table, where many of our family conversation takes place, is where we address this issue the most. It looks like this:

“Like” abuser:  So today, I was like going..
Parent:  STOP. You were “like going” or you were going?
Abuser: Ugh! I was going to my bike when I like tripped..”
Parent: STOP. You like tripped or you tripped?
(Huge roll of eyes from abuser)
Abuser: Okay! I tripped and when I fell I like hit..
Parent: STOP. You like hit or you hit?

You get the picture. Yes, it frustrates the heck out of my kids, but it clearly gets the point across and makes them painfully (needed at this point) aware of how often they stick that silly word into their conversation.

My favorite tip from family.go.com:

Fillers are “trash words” — if you don’t use them when you write, then you don’t need them when you talk. Throw them in the trash!

My family’s approach might not appeal to everyone, so here are some other suggestions from Teach Your Child to Speak Clearly:

* Listen to your own speech. Are you using ums and likes frequently? Try to reduce your use of fillers. (This may sound easy, but it can be a difficult habit to break). Remember, you’re the best role model for your children.
* Play a game. “Let’s see who can use less trash words.” Kids love games and competitions and it’s a great way to kick the trash word habit. If you find yourself using too many trash words, make it a family challenge!
* Try some homework: Have your children describe their classroom vocabulary and spelling words or retell stories without the use of fillers. “Tell me what this word means. Remember, no ums or likes.”
* Reward your children. Positive reinforcement is much stronger then negative comments. “Wow, you did a great job describing that word. I only heard one um!” and “Nice try, I know it’s hard to stop using trash words.”

Our kids are really smart and have so many intelligent, interesting and funny things to say. If we can teach them to say them without using fillers, their thoughts will come through that much funnier, interesting and intelligent.

Sometimes the use of “like” may come from a nervous speaker or someone unsure of what they are saying, of themselves in general, or of their overall knowledge on a given topic or situation. This usually happens more with older kids. I have mentioned it before and I will say it again because it bears repeating: there are numerous benefits in taking some sort of public speaking class or being part of a public speaking group. Most kids won’t do this on their own and those that do usually don’t use “like” very often. It may take some extra influence (read:bribe), but it will be worth it to encourage or demand your child do this. Most high schools and some middle schools have forensics (competitive public speaking) or mock trials or debate clubs. Forensic is more open to choice as students can choose to compete in groups, in pairs, or alone, and in categories such as sales, debate, informative pieces, broadcasting, story telling, impromptu, dramatic interpretation, etc.  All will support excellent speaking instruction and plenty of opportunity to polish that skill.

High school students and college-aged kids need to be aware of how important it is to filter out the fillers. Going in to any interview, be it for college or a job, will not go well if their answers are peppered with unnecessary “likes.”

Younger kids need to know that it is just wrong and that they need to kick the habit before it becomes second nature. Get rid of the “trash words” now.

If silliness and a lighter approach works well with your child(ren), you may want to try an approach that is a bit more fun. When they tell a story or recount a situation to you and stick in too many “likes”, have them go back and retell it substituting the word “like” with “snickerdoodle.” This should get the point across that using “like” when not needed just sounds silly.

I am going to be on “like” patrol this week at my house. It started right now as my ten-year-old came up to me and asked what I was writing about. When I told her, she told me about kids using it in her class and darned if she didn’t stick in her own “likes” while telling me! The gall!

Totally busted, but she even had to laugh at that one.