The Parent Trap: How To Not Be One of THOSE Parents Who Hates Parenting

by Betsy McMillin

One thing I have always hated as a parent is the nay-sayers. The oh-so-wise veteran parents, who upon seeing my bulging belly, or with little ones in tow say, “Oh… just wait!” followed by some horrid tale from the trenches on the woes of parenting. Tales range from the horrors of sleepless nights, to teething difficulties and on in to the teen years.

Show of hands: how many of you parents entered into this job thinking it was nothing but blissful cozy moments, babies and kids fresh from the tub, cozied up in jammies, smelling heavenly, snuggled up with a story to read? Fun family outings with everyone cheery and agreeable, sharing moments and making fond memories? Laughing amicably with your teen as you play a game of Scrabble or cook dinner together? That’s what I thought, too.

Why do so many parents feel the need to rain on the parenting parade? I suppose some people love to be the bearers of bad news.

Parenting is a tough job, and no one loves what they do every minute they are doing it. There are bound to be ups and down with any job, more so when it comes to raising kids. Parenting is a stress filled, emotional, gut wrenching job. We need to be able to admit to ourselves that we don’t always exactly love it. For some, these moments are few and far between; others come to this realization daily. For those who find the not-so-fun times in the majority, step back and try to figure out why.

There appears to be a new trend—parents who hate parenting. Some parents simply do not relish the whole full-time mommy/daddy thing. However, once you have a kid or kids parents have to find a way to make it work. Making it work may mean being at work full-time and having a nanny or using day care.  It may mean two parents working split shifts to be home, as well. It may involve other family members helping, crazy hours, bizarre schedules. Do whatever it takes so that you can not be one of those parents who hates parenting tells new parents little but horror stories.

From Yahoo Shine:

Susan Callahan, co-author with Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann of “Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too,” points out that the intense focus on our children can lead many moms to resent motherhood. “We believe that parents, and women in particular, run into a couple stumbling blocks when parenting,” Callahan says. “The three big themes tend to be perfectionism, multitasking, and stress.”

After interviewing more than 500 women while researching their book, Callahan says that she and her colleagues found that “perfectionism is the number one issue keeping modern mothers from enjoying the moment.”

Some days, I much as I  don’t want to admit it, I don’t care for (sounds better than “hate”) being a parent. It is only momentary, or at worst hourly, and it usually revolves around too much too soon and too many unsatisfied (for multiple reasons) kids. And yes, it also is because of my own perfectionist tendencies—perfection in my kids, perfection in my parenting, perfection from my spouse and perfection in me. Completely unrealistic and I know it, yet like the women in the study, the number one reason from letting me enjoy the moment.

Parents need to enjoy the moment. Sometimes it is all we get. Kids live for the moment, so it is crucial for us as adults to be able to jump into their moments. We can’t always do this, but it sure helps when we can. Lower our expectations: of ourselves, our kids, our house. Do it for the moment, or even the day.

The other day I was feeling restless. Not good energy, too much to do, too much on my mind, feeling crabby on top of all that. I walked past the mountain of laundry waiting for me (and dinner yet to be made) and asked my almost-three-year-old if she wanted to color (huge therapy by the way). She excitedly picked out crayons and a coloring book or two and in minutes my five-year-old had joined us. We chatted, I fixed a quick snack to prolong the moment and just enjoyed listening to them, being with them.

It felt so good.

This is from a piece published in Time magazine:

“Having kids is an economic and emotional drain. It should make those who have kids feel worse. Instead, parents glorify their lives. They believe that the financial and emotional benefits of having children are significantly higher than they really are.”

I’m sorry… did they say “financial benefits?” Am I missing something as a parent? What financial benefits? Of course we may glorify the emotional benefits. We have to try to make ourselves believe it some days. I do believe that their are endless emotional benefits. l witness them every day. I also live the day-to-day difficult side. Our days and nights are filled with endless wants from little and not-so-little people. Our lives a juggling act to end all juggling acts.

NY Magazine ran a feature story recently, All Joy And No Fun by Jennifer Senior. She writes:

…the conclusion of psychologists W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge, who, in 2003, did a meta-analysis of 97 children-and-marital-satisfaction studies stretching back to the seventies. Not only did they find that couples’ overall marital satisfaction went down if they had kids; they found that every successive generation was more put out by having them than the last—our current one most of all. Even more surprisingly, they found that parents’ dissatisfaction only grew the more money they had, even though they had the purchasing power to buy more child care. “And my hypothesis about why this is, in both cases, is the same,” says Twenge. “They become parents later in life. There’s a loss of freedom, a loss of autonomy. It’s totally different from going from your parents’ house to immediately having a baby. Now you know what you’re giving up.”

Well, yes and no. A great number of parents who start families later in life have been waiting until they are secure in life and with who they are. They have been looking forward to having kids. They are mature enough to handle child-rearing. They have seen many friends have kids, so they know the ups and downs, although not first hand.
A parent who enters into the game at a very young age can feel a loss of freedom just as much as an older parent. Maybe more so, and quite possibly without the maturity to deal with it.

I don’t hate parenting. I hate some of the side effects: stained clothes (mine and the kids’), walking out the door as a family only to catch my refection and realize the kids all look great. Me? Not so much; the endless search for clean socks and underwear; the feeling of need for more than the suggested few drops of Rescue Remedy (or 1/2 tablet of Valium) as I sit beside a new, learning driver; having to hide my favorite snacks; not ever being able to watch mindless television.

No matter how we slice it, we just can’t get it right. The following quote shows that even when we spend more time with our kids, we still feel it isn’t enough (parental guilt: another bad side effect):

From All Joy And No Fun:

The intensification of family time is not confined to the privileged classes alone. According to Changing Rhythms of American Family Life—a compendium of data porn about time use and family statistics, compiled by a trio of sociologists named Suzanne M. Bianchi, John P. Robinson, and Melissa A. Milkie—all parents spend more time today with their children than they did in 1975, including mothers, in spite of the great rush of women into the American workforce. Today’s married mothers also have less leisure time (5.4 fewer hours per week); 71 percent say they crave more time for themselves (as do 57 percent of married fathers). Yet 85 percent of all parents still—still!—think they don’t spend enough time with their children.

These self-contradictory statistics reminded me of a conversation I had with a woman who had been in one of Nachamie’s parenting groups, a professional who had her children later in life. “I have two really great kids”—ages 9 and 11—“and I enjoy doing a lot of things with them,” she told me. “It’s the drudgery that’s so hard: Crap, you don’t have any pants that fit? There are just So. Many. Chores.”

Man, don’t I know it. She’s preachin’ to the choir with that one. Drudgery is a great word; it fits all those mundane chores perfectly. Trudging through the drudgery to make it through the day. Trudging through kids who won’t listen, kids who aren’t at their best. Trudging through parenting.

The goals is to get past the drudgery—if even for a moment. Can we break away from the chores and enjoy sweet moments of fun? How often do we remind ourselves how important it is to find out what it is about our kids, or being parents, that makes us happy?

Parent Trap Confession: I love when any of my kids are sick (as long as it doesn’t involve vomit). Talk about slowing down and living in the moment. I have no choice when they are sick. They are so sad (and quiet!) and need me so much. I cater to them, buy ginger ale and make Jello. I sit next to them and read or snuggle and sadly explain to everyone I just have to cancel all plans: my babies are sick. It’s a sure ticket to enjoying the moment.

My favorite thing to do when I see a pregnant woman, or a parent with little ones in tow is to stop and say: “Just wait! It keeps getting better and better!” then tell some fun story of how awesome parenting can be. The best part? In my heart, and in my mind, I really mean it.

I know they will have moments of pain, moments of no fun. They know it too. I also know, they will have the most incredible moments of their lives, as parents.