The Parent Trap: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

by Betsy McMillin

Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners. ~Laurence Sterne

It was typical craziness at my house the other day, eleven kids under the age of 12. Although, when I start out with six of my own, eleven isn’t really that many.

I was spending a lot of time with the littler kids, so the older kids were playing with no adult near them for the most part (keep in mind, these are kids between 8-12—old enough to play somewhat unsupervised, one would hope.) There were occasional “checks” by me.

After feeding the masses, parents came to pick kids up and those living in the neighborhood wandered back home.  I had some favorite friends coming in a half hour with their two boys for an evening visit, so I called in my troops to quickly clean up. Here is what I found:  broken pool filter (the older boys), boy’s bedroom trashed with Legos everywhere, as well as the Lego shelves moved askew in the middle of the room, baby dolls all around from boys tossing them about, wet towels everywhere poolside, dirty dinner dishes still outside on the picnic table.

To add insult to injury only one child offered an unprompted “thank you” to me when she left.

The amazingly sad thing? This isn’t the first time (by a long shot) that I have encountered mass destruction (or even small scale destruction) after kids are over. I’ll bet each one of you has lived through a similar experience. There are certain kids who I know are prone to “destructive play” so I am consistent when they come over to lay down clear and firm rules (read: use of the fear factor) every time.

I have come to learn, for the most part, there is little respect—not for our house, our toys, our things, our rules, or me.

Jump to one week after the McMillin Home Invasion. My twelve-year-old son asked to have five friends over (different group, these boys are 13) to swim.  It was about 100 degrees, so I said sure. My seven-year-old daughter had her best buddy over as well. I was wary.  I watched the boys with an eagle eye, as well as numerous fly-bys to give them the visual of Mrs. McMillin. This time? Not a bit of damage. Lots of crazy fun, but no over-the-top, reckless destruction.  And a respectful “Hi Mrs. McMillin” upon arrival as well as a thoughtful, unprompted “thank you so much” from each one as they left…. bonus points.

Why was this group different?  I know these boys, their families, but I also know the previous group and their families.

It is my fault for not consistently laying down the law? Is it possibly my stupidity as a parent for inviting kids over whom I know don’t follow my rules?

Then again, shouldn’t I be able to count on kids to clean up without constant reminders?  Shouldn’t I be able to have kids over without feeling like I either need to constantly check in, or like I need to set up a camera to make sure they aren’t destroying my house, pestering my other kids, or destroying my other kids’ belongings? Shouldn’t I be able to enjoy having kids over without the worry of an Apocalyptic aftermath?

The answer is a resounding yes, but the sad truth is this: most kids are taught little respect for other people’s property. It upsets me to know that I open up my house to kids, freely share all our toys or crafts or games, provide snacks and supervision only to have my trust violated.

Sure, kids make messes. Mine do every day. Sure, kids break things, mine do as well. The problem is when kids show no respect for other peoples’ things (or their own) or have little regard for other’s belongings. These are the kids who pop off Barbie heads as a joke, but then I have my little (and not so little) girls come to me in tears.

I have had kids over and come to me to let me know something broke while they were playing. Even a few broken windows (hockey pucks and hard rubber balls whacked at top speed will do that). Did I get angry? Not at all. I thanked them for being honest and showing me. Life with kids happens. Things break. It is the breaking on purpose or the breaking during thoughtless, reckless play and then hiding the evidence that shows a lack of respect.

So I ask myself:

Why is there a lack of respect?

The answer must be:

A. parents don’t teach their kids the importance of respect
B. parents don’t know how to teach respect
C. kids don’t have the guts to tell their visiting friends/guests when they are crossing a line, or not having respect for their home and things
D. a case of maturity (or lack of)
E. all of the above

I am going with E.

So what to do?

First off, parents need to know how to, and actually carry through, on teaching kids how to be respectful (answer A, B). This starts with teaching respect for one’s own belongings. If kids are allowed to abuse and neglect their own things, they surely won’t do any differently with other’s.

This begins with taking care of one’s own room, putting away toys at the end of the day, picking up toys outside so that they don’t get ruined, and general maintenance to their things. If they don’t take care of things or play recklessly and break things? Be sure it is their own money replacing the broken/ruined item (or don’t replace it) and that they know why they are paying for it.

Taking care of one’s things deserves to be recognized, and this can be done with the child being able to own something they previously weren’t allowed to due to the overall care of the item. If a child shows that they respect their things and take good care of them, they deserve to own things that take more care. Don’t forget this can work in reverse as well. Lack of respect/care for important items equals loss of said item.

Example: my nephew was finally old enough to go duck hunting with his dad and Grandpa, a long awaited and much anticipated event.  Grandpa proudly passed down his first duck hunting rifle to my nephew as a special solute to the continued tradition. After the first hunt, dad went out to yard to find the gun (don’t panic, it was unloaded) in the grass. It had began to drizzle outside and the gun was:

1. not properly put away
2. left in the rain

Dad promptly took the gun, stored it away and told his son he would have to wait until next year’s hunting season to use it. His son had shown he wasn’t responsible or respectful enough for it yet. He had shown no respect for the gun or the importance of it to his Grandpa.

Another teaching tool for respect of one’s own things is for kids to pay for some of their own toys or desired items. They will be more apt to take good care of them if they are shelling out the bucks (and working hard to earn those bucks.)

Modeling respect is the best way to teach it. If our kids see us being respectful (through language, actions and choices) it will help them understand how and why respect works. Be sure when you pick up your kids from a friend’s house that you ask if anything needs to be cleaned up before leaving.  You are modeling respect as well as reminding your child (and the friend) that this is the right thing to do.

Teaching kids about respect goes deeper than just respect for things. There needs to be a respect for people, especially adults. Ten great tips for teaching kids respect can be found at: http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/parenting-tips/10-tips-on-teaching-respect-to-children-you-cant-get-it-if-you-dont-give-it/

Here is a quick synopsis: Model it. Expect It. Teach it. Praise it. Discuss it. Correct it. Acknowledge it. Understand it. Reinforce it. Reward it.

Parents also need to teach their kids that it is often up to the child to let friends know when they are breaking rules (and toys) or not having respect for their house, things, and the parents (answer C). No easy task. No kid likes to look like the overly goody-goody who doesn’t know how to have fun. But when a line is crossed kids need to be able to say “Hey, that is my little sister’s Barbie and she will totally have a fit if we pop its head off, plus my mom will go nuts. Let’s make a tower of plastic bottles and shoot it down with Nerf guns.” Still somewhat destructive, but safely and respectfully so.

When kids do break something? It is important to teach that they need to let the parent or adult know. This is a crucial, respectful skill that doesn’t come easily to a lot of kids: fessing up to an adult when a mistake as been made. Go over this with your kids, even role play so they know how to do it when the time comes. Chances are pretty good that time will come.

Watching kids (my own and others), I can see that many times respect comes with age (D). There some kids whose personality (or teaching from parents) will over ride this, but I do see it kicking in.  I saw the difference with the two groups of kids who came to my house.  Huge difference from the boys who are 10-12 to those that are well into their 13th year.  I wouldn’t believe this, but it was true in this situation. If teens are taught to show respect at an early age, it will hopefully continue (or come more easily) when they are teens.

The first group at my house also had more littler kids.  Younger kids may be more unsure as to how to approach a parent if they were the cause of an accidental breaking,  Here again, the role playing with your kids comes in handy.  Also, talking with them how they would feel if it were their toys that were broken and what they would like done at their house is a good technique.  Anything to make them more aware of how respect works.

At wikinut.com, Mark Gordon Brown had this to say:

Learning to respect the property of others should never be about avoiding getting into trouble for damaging or stealing the property of another. It should be about respecting the property of another because it is the right thing to do and because there is a sincere desire to respect the feelings of others.

Teaching this concept to children can be simple but is often mishandled. Most children have at least one toy they truly love. Simply talking to your child about how they would feel if someone damaged or stole their beloved toy can put a feeling within that child that will stick with them into adulthood. You can get a child to feel at a core level how others feel when their personal property is violated on an abstract conceptual far easier than you can an adult. Children have the gift of imagination. When you tell a child about a situation most of them automatically take themselves to that situation in their mind. Getting children to feel what another would feel is easy.

This author suggests in his last sentence that having a child feel empathy will be easy. I am not so sure I agree. Respect doesn’t come easily or naturally for most kids. It is a quality that takes a great deal of teaching from us. While I do a agree that a child may be able to connect and understand how it would feel if his toy were mishandled, I don’t know how long that would last and I don’t think it would automatically transcend into respect for another person or their belongings.  It would take more than just a one-time story. Start with your wee ones and keep at it (daily) even after they are adults. You know, in your spare time.

My seven-year-old daughter was off today for a fun day of sunning and swimming at her best buddy’s grandma’s house. This was her first time going there. Before she left, we went over how to be respectful at buddy’s Grandma’s house: be kind, visit with her a bit, clean up after swimming, be careful with any toys she may play with, remember her best manners. It took about three minutes.

Our world and our lives would be so much simpler and nicer if we all showed more respect—if we, as parents, took that three minutes before each play date, each outing, each visit, to remind our kids how to be respectful. I may be incredibly time-limited, but I do have three minutes. So do you. Use those three minutes over and over, again and again.  Your house, your belongings, your nerves, and other parents will thank you.