The Parent Trap: Balancing Truth & Secrecy With Kids When Parents Have Worries

by Betsy McMillin

My 14-year-old daughter came up to me yesterday and asked “Mumma, what’s the matter today? You seem really sad.” I replied, “Yeah, I got some sad news from a good friend.”

Sad news? Try monumentally depressing news. From one of my best friends. Life changing news.

I couldn’t tell my daughter the truth, it wasn’t the appropriate time, plus it was news I couldn’t share with her for a few legitimate reasons.
Yet still here I am, having to be a parent first, amidst inner turmoil, my head swirling with uncomfortable, scary thoughts. Add to this news the fact that I have my own difficult personal decisions weighing heavily on my mind, problems that need to be solved, decisions made within the next three months that hugely affect my family.

During all this uncertainty, is the certainty that I need to still be Mumma. That I need to do laundry, make meals, break up fights, read stories, comfort tiny people and right mishaps, find time to write while keeping my six home-all-day summertime kids busy, and from killing each other (or me killing them.)

While my mind keeps wandering to all the problems that face me, my job as parent does not take a “time out” or a vacation. I am needed daily, hourly, every minute by at least one person, more often more than one. As much as my mind is filled with my own overwhelming thoughts, I have to push them aside, and continue on. I can’t just walk away from it all for a few days. I keep telling myself that I am the only mom they have and I need to be emotionally and physically available to them.

Talk about pressure.

How many times do parents have to set their own problems aside and keep up a facade of “business as usual?” It is one thing to have a difficult day or week. We can be honest with our kids and let them know we are dealing with a difficult situation right now and we are not at our best, that we need a little extra consideration, some better behavior from them. This can be a great teaching/learning lesson.  Life can be trying and it is okay to be honest about it with those around us. Letting our family know we are dealing with a difficult time helps kids feel sympathy and empathy.  It allows them to look past themselves and gives them an opportunity to comfort someone.

What happens when that difficult time goes on for weeks or even months? We can’t emotionally check out for that long. Our kids need us for all things big and small. Being the egocentric creatures they are, they can only look past themselves for so long. Then their needs kick in.

Some parents are dealing with sickness or death, others finances. Some are losing their homes, some are getting divorced. Some are facing losing a job, moving to a less-than-desirable location. There are countless family traumas. How do we deal with these trying times, when some uncertain, ongoing situation is present? How do we let go of what is looming ahead of us? How do we free our minds of what is constantly nagging us and reminding us of the problems we are facing?

Some days, I honestly don’t know.

At times I intensely clean my bathroom until it (sort of) sparkles (keep in mind this is one of my least favorite jobs.) Some days I find myself wandering from one mundane task to another, in what looks like a drugged stupor, never really finishing any of the things I set out to do. Some days I sit for awhile with the kids, mindlessly staring at SpongeBob.

Most days I find myself taking comfort in my kids and their schedules, my job as a parent. Finding comfort in that fact that I am overworked and multi-tasking. Solace in the fact that they need me, that their needs eclipse my own for the moment. This child-induced life keeps my mind occupied with things other than the decisions I need to make, the uncertainties I am facing that I so don’t want to. I am thankful for the distraction. After an hour of non-stop parenting I will think “Wow!  I didn’t think about my troubles for an entire hour! Hooray for the thought-sucking power of Yahtzee, backyard baseball, boo-boo comforting and snack making!”

While it may seem like an impossible task to be an effective parent through these times, it is also a saving grace. To have to address all the needs our kids have, to step up and be there in all the ways they need us. We get to step away from all that is bothering us. We are forced to step away from our problems, and focus on our kids.  We have tiny hands stretching out to us for help balancing them as they walk,  little hands pulling us to the park, bigger hands tossing us a baseball or waiting for the car keys.  Our kids need us in so many ways, from daily physical help to emotional, social help.  Our problems will get in the way occasionally as it can’t be helped, but it can’t be a  constant.

There are times we need to come clean and share some of our problems with our kids.  They are smart and intuitive, they know us well and they can see the change in our behavior.  Depending on the age and the issue at hand, we can share a lot of what is happening or maybe a little.  Perhaps none for awhile.

In the article Sharing Bad News With Your Children leadership expert and author of Mom-in-Chief: How Wisdom from the Workplace Can Save Your Family from Chaos, Jamie Woolf writes:

“Of course, you have to balance truth and secrecy,” she adds. “If your child asks you point-blank, ‘Mommy, are you going to lose your job?’ tell her, ‘I don’t know yet,’ and then add reasonable reassurance. And don’t wait until the last minute to spring bad news on your kids. Do that and they’ll think you’ve been keeping a secret from them. Be as honest and open with them as often as you can.”

But many times we are keeping a secret from them out of necessity. There may come a time to let our kids know exactly what is up, and other times not. Many times there is a window in which we can’t tell them for all the right reasons. Not out of overly protecting them from life, but out of a desire to not involve them in something they have no control over and will only cause undue stress and unhappiness. Adult issues that may be confusing.  Or perhaps to come to grips with our own emotions first. Sometimes we need to see how a situation plays out before involving them. All good reasons. Maybe that is overly protecting them? If so, I am all for it. Most likely they will find out the entire story/situation at some point, and if we can prolong the outcome and their involvement a bit, so be it.

While we keep this secret, it is without question that we need to keep up appearances as much as we can. Keep on keepin’ on, doing what we do every day. It will be a breath of fresh air compared to all the smog we have been inhaling. Climb out of our pit of heavy issues and play a game of Go Fish, pitch a few balls. Be a parent when we think we can do it the least. “Difficult times lie ahead,” and it is these times that our kids will need us the most.