The Parent Trap: Hello, May I Know Who’s Calling, Texting & Sending Pics, Please?
by Betsy McMillin
I was mulling over what topic to write about next. Then my phone rang; I ignored it. It rang again. And again. And again.
I had my topic.
According to an April 16, 2011 piece by April Conger for ABC News:
Data from the Pew Internet and American Life Project indicate that tweens and teens will own a cell phone is practically a given, with around 75 percent of 12- to 17-year-olds toting a mobile device. In 2004, less than half of that age group owned phones.
In addition, the age of adolescent cell phone use is trending downward.
As of 2009, 20 percent of kids between six and 11 years old had a cell phone, according to a Mediamark survey. Moreover, cell phone ownership has increased most dramatically over the past five years -– 80.5 percent -– among ten- to 11-year olds.
I would like to think that rude phone manners are just a fluke, the result of a few flakey kids who don’t know better. But I know better. I am here to tell you phone manners are a big deal, and a pervasive problem.
I also know that like basic manners (see The Parent Trap, March 6), phone etiquette is right up there on my list of things every kid needs to practice. This belief is reinforced weekly by kids who call my 7- and 10-year-old.
So here is the much needed Parent Trap List Of Simple Phone Rules and Etiquette.
Rule #1: You Don’t Have To Drop Everything To Answer The Phone
We have been taught that everyone is always available, and that if you aren’t it is an annoying inconvenience. Not true.
A cell phone jingling away is not an alarm kids must respond to. My kids are perplexed when I don’t answer my phone, or if I say “whoever is calling can leave a message; what I am doing is more important right now.” It is okay not not answer. Caller ID (not to mention personalized ring tones) makes it very easy to know who is calling and how urgent the call might be. I always return calls, but I don’t always answer my phone. Let kids know life in the moment comes first, that the person whom they are with at that time should have their attention.
Rule #2: No Speed Calling
This is my number one phone pet peeve.
Rule: When your child is calling a friend to set up a play date or just talk, they may call no more than twice in a hour. Leave a clear message, and then, God forbid, just wait.
Friends of my children (both boys and girls) will call up to 13 times (or more), in about three minutes. Sometimes I choose to not answer. However, after a few consecutive calls, I have been known to answer and say (not so nicely): “We are eating dinner (or watching a movie, or dealing with a crisis….), please don’t call again. We’ll call back when we can.” I have also been known to turn off my phone. Just between us, I will sometimes rant at the ringing phone, “We aren’t going to answer just because you keep calling! Quit calling!!”
Why don’t I just pick up, tell the kiddie caller that my child is busy, end their grief over having to wait and move on? Because I am trying to prove a point, and while I may be acting immaturely, I just won’t give in to these underage phone-a-holics. I am trying to teach my kids the life skill of patience.
Parents need to supervise young children when they are using the phone to be sure they are not multi-calling. One little friend told my daughter, “if we don’t answer, just keep calling and calling until we pick up.”
Over. My. Dead. Phone battery.
Ok. True confessions time. I remember being a kid and repeatedly calling friends only to get a busy signal. I would then call another friend, who they might be talking, to see if that person’s line was busy and how long my wait might be, depending on how chatty those two friends were.
So I get it. Kids hate waiting. I hated waiting. However, having to wait for a call back is okay, and part of learning to be patient—a necessary life skill.
Rule #3: Learn How To Properly Answer The Phone and Make Calls
When I was a kid, I had to answer the phone: “Beauchamp residence, Betsy speaking, may I help you?”
While I think that was a bit much, kids still need to learn how to clearly and politely answer the phone as well as make calls. I have answered my phone to be quickly and bluntly asked “Who’s this???” by an eight-year-old with the phone manners of, well, an eight-year-old.
Excuse me? You are calling my home and demanding to know who I am?
Or I answer to get a small “hi” and nothing else, and then have to play 20 questions to figure out who is calling.
Kids need to know that when they call another phone they need to announce themselves and then ask to speak to their friend.
“Hi, this is Suzi… may I please speak to Sarah?” works great.
And when they answer the phone they need to be polite and speak clearly.
Next are some phone etiquette rules for older kids.
My 14-year-old barely uses her phone. My husband and I actually have to remind her endlessly to turn it on so we can reach her. My 12-year-old, on the other hand, is becoming a record-breaking “texter,” much to my dismay.
A friend of mine told me about her son and his phone. This is a great kid, great student, active in sports, responsible. He turned 15, and had his first real girlfriend. Mom got the phone bill, and found that he had sent over 8,000 text messages to one number in one month, mostly done through the night.
Rule #1: Set Phone/Text Curfews
‘Tween and teens will text and talk 24/7 if we let them. I am amazed at how much time can be spent talking/texting about nothing. Some of the things I have seen on my son’s phone (BTW, mostly girls texting him!! YIKES!): “I heart curious george!”, “yum! that sounds good, we had hot dogs, gross” “IKR!” “it is so hot out.”
I know older kids like to talk/text. It’s fun to be in contact with peers and blab on about whatever. However, there needs to be a limit. My son has to turn off (or turn in) his phone at 10 p.m., and can get it back at 9 a.m. He is not allowed to take it on family outings, and I make him put it away for periods every day.
Rule #2: No Phone At The Dinner Table
One would think this is a no-brainer, but apparently not. It is simple: you are here now, talking with us, your family. Put away/turn off the flippin’ phone.
I prefer “turn off”; there is nothing more annoying than having a great conversation only to hear a buffered “bzzzzzz” coming from your kid’s pocket. Which leads to:
Rule #3: Turn Off The Phone When With Other Family Members
My husband reminded me of a term you used to hear a lot that isn’t used as much now: undivided attention.
Remember the phrase, “Students, I need your undivided attention?”
Undivided attention is exactly what parents deserve when talking to their kids, be it a fun, relaxed conversation, or a heavier, more serious one. When I am talking with my son, I tell him to put the phone away. This holds true for when he is playing with siblings, too. The little kids get really sad when their big brother keeps interrupting their game to text back to someone. This kind of behavior screams, “You aren’t important to me right now, this person who isn’t even here right now is way more important.”
Bummer.
Have them do one more text “gtg.” This mean “got to go” for those parents not into texting shorthand… I am, sadly, learning. Here’s a comprehensive list for those who’re ready to learn another language. They can return to their texting buddy L8R, ‘k?.
Rule #4: Monitor Content
Some of you may disagree with this one, but I stand firm.
Years ago I was talking with my sister and friend of mine. My sister had teens, my friend and I had four and five-year-olds. My friend said she would would never read her daughter’s journal when the kid was older. My friend went on to say it was important for her to trust her daughter (easy to say when they are five), and her daughter trust her.
My sister said, “It is not our job as parents to trust our kids; it is our job to protect them.”
While trust is important, making sure our kids are safe is monumentally more important. Any kid can fall prey to inappropriate phone behavior. Poor choices are made for all sorts of different reasons. Remember that “under-developed brain” theory? (Parent Trap, May 22)? That, along with peer pressure, can lead kids to make poor choices. So, I do look at my son’s phone and texts on occasion. I don’t do it every day, and don’t look at every text, just a random sample. They have been (so far) harmless. I am also learning texting shorthand, and that 12-year-old girls say the silliest things.
Rule #5: No Texting Imaginary Friends
Thanks to her seeing older siblings texting, my two-year-old regularly says, “Mumma. I have to text Feetie” (Sweetie, her imaginary friend).
There are a lot of things to consider before giving a child a phone. Looking for more basic rules? Check out:
http://oregonwomensreport.com/2009/08/14-cell-phone-rules-to-give-your-teen/
Below you can watch a video of an ABC news program about “wiring” our kids. A media expert talks about when kids should be given cell phones and how the phones should be monitored:
In the mean time, I’ll be trying to wean the two-year-old off of texting, and keep peeking at my son’s texts.
And when the phone rings at your house? 4COL, don’t always answer.