by Betsy McMillin

Happy Father’s Day!  I know I have some Dads out there who read my posts regularly.  Thank you for reading.  The fact that you are consistently reading a post on parenting speaks volumes.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t say that, but it is true.  Of all the many incredibly great dads that I know, I just can’t see most of them checking in weekly to read up on parenting.  My husband, super duper Dad for sure, reads my posts. He has to.  I ask for feedback and bring up past topics.  How embarrassing if he wasn’t up on my latest thoughts!  That being said, if it were anyone else writing, I can’t say that he would tune in on a regular basis.

Happy Father’s Day to you Greg. I love you and I can’t imagine being on this crazy ride without you.

Dads… enjoy your day, you deserve it!

On this special day, I think of my own Dad.  He passed away four years ago and is deeply missed by my mother and all six of us kids, plus the many people who’s lives he touched.

He was a gentle, kind, caring, incredibly giving man.  He always put his family first, closely followed by his dental profession and then golfing and duck hunting.

I can remember my Dad yelling at me once.  Once.  I will never forget it;  it was much deserved.  That was the kind of parent he was—quiet, calm, gentle.  So many days I wish I carried on those particular traits into my own parenting.

What I remember most from my Dad that I want to share, are his favorite sayings we heard over and over.  Some silly or even annoying at the time.  Now that I am a parent, I see them as great life and parenting lessons.

There’s the ole haymaker!
My Dad loved warm weather and sunny days.  Whenever it was sunny, he would say this.  While I know that this was what he was referring to, I see now how much deeper it went. It was my Dad’s ability to focus on the sun when it was out, amidst all those cloudy Michigan days.

Parenting is a lot like that.  We face so many cloudy, crummy days or moments.  We need to see when the sun is out, when it is a great day, or a great moment and grab it, appreciate it.  We need to see when our kids are being at their best and focus on it at that moment,  remember it for when it isn’t so sunny.  To be able to see that, while we might be in the middle of a difficult parenting phase, the sun will come out again and we will bask in the glow of our kids being sweet, kind, polite, fun.  Some days or even weeks, months, those sunny times are plentiful.  Some days, the sun shines all day long.

Other days it is cloudy, some completely overcast and stormy.  Our kids are human. They are learning new skills and behaviors every day.  They are moody and have emotional ups and downs, just like us.  If we can acknowledge this it will help to get through the cloudy times.   We can also help them bring the sun out themselves, not wait for it to just happen.  We can teach them coping mechanisms, techniques to get past difficult times, or just overall crappy days.  We can also teach them to appreciate a good day, a great moment.  To see that even though it is cloudy and nasty right now, it will be sunny again soon.  And as soon as that “ole haymaker” comes out, take advantage of it, recognize it, soak it up.

You don’t learn from talking, you learn from listening.
Maybe I heard this one from my Dad more than my siblings, and I was the incredibly chatty one. Check out The Parent Trap, June 12 to find out about the importance of listening to your kids.

Hindsight is always 20/20.
Oh, how I wish we could see the outcome to many things before we make decisions. I think this saying of my Dad’s was his way of reminding us that we can’t see the future or how things will turn out, and how simple, clear and obvious an answer is when looking back.

When parenting, we need to look back at decisions we have made (be it good or bad) and allow them to help us in making future choices. Since we can’t always use past situations to aid us in current ones, we need to learn how to weigh options, to be open to different outcomes and be prepared to live with our choices.  This is a huge and difficult lesson for our kids.  We like a nice, tidy cause and effect.   So many times the choices we make are not clear and definitely not tidy.  We need to prepare our kids to deal with disappointment, understand that things do happen for a reason and teach them how to accept the given situation or path chosen, make it the best they can and move on.

There will be, thankfully, many times we can celebrate as the choices we or our kids made are the right ones.  We can look back and see that even without 20/20 vision, we made an excellent choice.

Nothing is more important than getting an education.
My Dad pushed for education more than anything.  He expected all of us to do our best and push ourselves in order to be set in life and be happy. He supported all of us on our journey. He believed in education for everyone.  It didn’t matter if it was path that led to a doctorate or a path that led to a vocational career, as long as it was education.

We need to push our kids towards education as well.  We want our kids to be able to compete locally as well as globally in the future job market.  We need to remember, as difficult as it can be, that this is the path of our kids, not our path.  What they may choose may be very different from what we would choose for them.  Education doesn’t only mean a higher degree.  College won’t be for everyone, and that is okay.  As long as we see them through to skills that can allow them to be successful in life.  To continue to be educated, to never stop learning.  If it is a doctorate?  Bonus.

Look at the big picture.

Kids, no matter what age, prefer to live in the here-and-now.  To apply what they learned last week, or how their actions will affect their lives next week (or month, or year) is difficult.  When they are making decisions, they are often short-sighted and not too bright about long term outcomes.  We need to teach patience and seeing situations through.  Taking a step back and looking at how actions today will affect their lives not only today, but for the future is of the utmost importance.

Heavy stuff.

Not exactly a strength for most 2-22-year-old’s (and a lot of adults too).  It is no easy lesson, but can be introduced early and reinforced often.  I can think of too many times I, as a kid/young adult, or my own children, have made the wrong decision based on instant gratification or short-sightedness.  Looking at the big picture not only takes buckets of patience, but it takes maturity and unfortunately, learn-by-mistake lessons.  If we can limit these mistakes by helping our kids see the big picture and that their actions do often have long-term affects, we are doing them a huge service.

Nectar of the gods
My Dad loved fresh fruit.  Mostly Michigan, local fruit and he loved picking it. He loved his incredibly small but abundant garden of fresh tomatoes. Later, after retirement when he and my mom lived in Florida half the year, he loved to get fresh oranges and squeeze them for his juice… that was his “nectar of the gods.”  It was an appreciation for the simple, natural things in life.
We can teach our kids this lesson, to enjoy and appreciate what is right here, right now, supplied by nature.  Spend more time outside.  Make a garden, or even some plants or herbs in pots so kids can experience the earth-to-table connection.  Take your kids fruit or veggie picking… strawberries, blueberries, peas, apples, pumpkins.

Too often we, as well as our kids, get caught up in a world of techie gadgets and being disconnected from the people we are physically with.  We disconnect from the beauty and abundance of the outdoors. Give your kids an appreciation for the simple joys in life and nature.

Pay yourself first
My Dad was referring to the act of putting money away for retirement or college or some sort of savings for the future before spending on fun or desired items.   It all leads to the same idea: financial responsibility (see The Parent Trap, May 15).  Teach kids how money works. Have them work towards and achieve goals, save money for desired things.  Make them use their earned money for fun outings with friends, or for part of their clothes.

You can help them divide incoming cash (be it allowance, income from jobs, or gifts) into three categories: saving (50 percent), spending (40 percent), giving back/donating (10 percent).  Teach how interest works, how to balance a checkbook or keep a savings account.  Give older kids a chance to be part of simple investing.  Teaching kids to be frugal is a lesson they will be able to use all through life.

It’s nice to be nice.
This was my dad’s all-time favorite saying.  So much, in fact, that my sister did it in needlepoint and framed it one year for him for Christmas.
No explanation needed.  It is quite simple: It’s nice to be nice.

I wish my Dad were still here.

I find myself keeping him with me by saying the very phrases he used so often with us, with my own kids.  My kids may think they are silly or annoying now, but one day they will grow to see all the wisdom that they carry.