Listening (Really Listening) To Our Kids

by Betsy McMillin

One of the hardest things to do as a parent is to know when to keep our mouths shut.  When to keep our all-important parent facts inside and just listen to what our kids have to say.  They are amazing little and big individuals and have incredible, personal thoughts.  Too often we interrupt these thoughts with our own agendas, with our “I know better” attitudes, because we think as parents we of course do always know better.

More importantly, sometimes we jump the gun and incorrectly decipher what we think our kids are thinking or where they are going to go with a thought.  Our incorrect interpretation can cause them to rethink their thought, or change how they feel about something. And not always for the better.

Here is my latest experience with this type of situation:

My five-year-old son was going to his first hockey clinic.  He was grouped with other “mini-mites,” mostly kids his same age.  Our whole family went to watch his first clinic, he was so excited and proud, dragging his big bag all by himself.  My husband and I remembered his older brother starting at this same age and the funny, cute little hockey players falling and trying to learn how to skate in all that gear.

Apparently, hockey for five-year-old’s has changed in the past few years.

We all watched silently as the whistle blew and every little skater took off and went through the drill.

Except my son.

He could barely stand up, could barely move.  He took a short, choppy attempt at a stride and fell.  This happened over and over again as the other boys skated swiftly from blue line to blue line.

My heart sank.  I almost cried.  We all looked at each other with a shocked, “oh NO!” look.  All I could think about was how discouraged he felt, seeing all the others skate away.  I kept looking at him, trying to see through his hockey helmet for a sign of “rescue me!” or a sign of tears.

One wonderful coach got a large bucket used for pucks and brought it to my son for him to hold on to. She skated with him, encouraged him, one-on-one, the entire time.  By the end of the session, he was slowly but surely skating from one blue line to the next without the bucket, without falling.

Before he got off the ice, I (in total Momma Bear mode) threatened any of my kids who teased him or said anything negative, with a quick death.  I made sure they all knew to tell him how awesome he did.  We were ready for the meltdown.
At the same time, I was ready to comfort him, to dry his tears and tell him that he tried so hard and I was so proud, that the other kids must be older.

Before any of us could say a thing, before I could step in to comfort my poor, crushed little boy, he took off his hockey mask and was beaming.  He said excitedly, “Did you see me?  Did you see me?  Did you see how fast I went at the end and I went from one line to the other without falling? I like my coach!  And I’m all sweaty!  Like a real hockey player!”

He was beyond proud.

Had I opened my big mouth first, I could have completely messed up everything great that had happened out there on the ice.  I would have consoled him when he needed no consoling.

As parents, we need to assess situations, see what our kids have to say before we step in and say our piece. We might be surprised (as I was) at how wrong we can be when it comes to figuring out how our kids feel. If we are always the ones talking, we will never find out what is going on in our kids’ heads.  My dad always said to me (because I was a non-stop talker… see how it is biting me in the butt, a few paragraphs down): “You don’t learn from talking.  You learn from listening.”

Many times our kids just want us to listen to what they have to say.  To not say a thing back, but to attentively tune in and really listen to their words and feelings. This is so apparent with teens.  They come to us with a problem or tell us a current drama situation, and when we give any sort of suggestions or solutions to the problem, they fire each one down as ridiculous, finally turning and leaving in a frustrated “never mind…you just don’t get it” huff.

They never wanted any suggestions.  They wanted us to listen and be supportive, but truly, not say a whole lot.  Especially anything with any sort of help.

And not just teens… older elementary kids, too.

Consider this, from www.carrykindnessforward.com, by Diane Mote’s blog on parenting with kindness:

Make it a promise to listen to your child’s hopes, dreams and feelings and try to understand their origin.  “Listening often gives an individual the validation for what he or she wants to communicate and for someone else to understand,” Diane explains. In many situations, your parting words can be, “I am trying to understand what you are telling me and I will think carefully about what you have said.”  Sometimes, too much interpretation deprives your child of feeling confident in communicating his or her most intimate thoughts and feelings.  Non-judgmental listening encourages greater intimacy, trust and better understanding.

Any parent who thinks that their kids don’t want them to listen is wrong.  Our kids may act like they don’t care at times, or that they don’t want us to listen or interact with them, but in all actuality, they do want us to.  More importantly, they need us to.

An interesting article from www.psychologytoday.com on listening to our kids and bullying supports this point:

In our Analytic Service to Adolescents Program, an in-school treatment and research program at Morton Alternative High School in Cicero, Illinois, our students have taught us the following:

-No matter how much they deny it students want their parents involved in their lives.

-When given an opportunity to speak of what is troubling them in group and individual treatment, students talk of their ambitions, their concerns, their wish for their lives to be better.

-When unable to find adults to listen, students describe depression, anxiety and stress that leads to drug abuse, gang involvement (where being “listened to” comes at a high price), poor school performance and worse.

-Our best performing students are those whose parents let themselves become involved—support their students at school, participate in parenting workshops, and address problems in their own lives.

I have a teen and a ‘tween.  I get it.  I know that if I dared to use the concerned “tell me how that makes you feel” phrase so often suggested by professionals, it would elicit some serious eye-rolling.  It would drive them away annoyed, not closer.  But if I just listen, give them my attention and occasionally comment with an “uh-huh,” “mm-hmm”  or “really?” I am more apt to get them to open up and share how they feel or just vent about a daily drama.

Another technique that works well (that I mentioned in my “Picky Eaters” post) is to listen while doing a simple activity together.  This might be cooking, shooting hoops or coloring with littler kids.  My 14-year-old daughter and I took a walk downtown the other day, and I was amazed and thrilled at how much we talked.  Never mind that I could barely keep up talking (so I had to listen) as I was out of breath…  her legs are twice as long as mine and that I am not… well… let’s just say “not fourteen.” Seriously though, she shared a lot with me and felt safe talking about things that might not come out had we just been sitting across from each other or constantly interrupted by siblings.

There are times when we don’t want to listen, don’t feel like listening.  Those of you with kids like my ten-year-old know exactly what I am talking about.  As much as we love these talkative, chatty kids, sometimes we just want to say “please…. please… stop talking to me!”  My daughter’s day begins with her telling me every detail of any dream she had that night, then she moves on to retelling any favorite book she is reading, on to problems at school, to funny things the dog did, to what she wants to do when she grows up to how she would make chocolate chip cookies differently…. it is endless.  All day, every day.

I try, I really try to not roll my eyes, not walk away from her, half (okay, 1/10)  listening as she rambles after me while I try to finish the other 73 things I need to do.  I have to remind myself that her thoughts are equally important as anyone else’s.  More so to her.

When parents have kids like this it is important to take the time to listen. Chances are they won’t always be this talkative.  Chances are we won’t have the time to listen on another day. Chances are also good that if we continually tune them out, they will learn that we really don’t care, they will quit trying and we will lose out on some of the best talking and listening ever.  So suck it up, slow down and actually look at your Chatty Cathy (or Charles), and be interested in what they have to say a few times throughout the day.  If you can’t, at least give them the respect of saying, “I so want to hear what you have to say. It sounds amazing… can you tell me in a few minutes (hours??) when I can really pay attention?”

We can’t assume or accurately guess what our kids are thinking.  We can’t assume how they feel or how they want to deal with a problem they are facing.  If we don’t listen to our kids, really listen, we lose out on a big part of who they are and who they are dreaming of becoming.  We can’t hear how they are problem solving and how their thoughts are growing.

Take the time this week to really listen to your kids. You might be amazed and surprised at the person you meet.