The Parent Trap: The Art of the Back-Handed Compliment (Zingers)

by Betsy McMillin

Parent says: “Great job cleaning your room kiddo!  Oh man, if only you did everything this quickly and thoroughly!'”

Ouch.

May as well give the kid a big hug then punch the kid in the gut.

Such back-handed compliments are called Zingers.

They are by definition sarcastic comments and put downs. For the sake of discussion, I am referring to the kind that are the second part of a two part comment. The first part is a positive phrase, followed by a negative comment designed to make your child feel guilty about a past or current wrong.

Boy, can they be easy to dish out, and most times without us even being aware of it.  That pat on the back, the “kudos to you” followed by the “if only you were better” kick in the pants.

I didn’t even realize that I used them until I learned about them.  I was in a parent group at U of M for parents of kids with a particular medical condition. We were learning about being positive with our kids and Zingers came up. As soon as the leader explained what they were, I knew I was guilty.

Why do we use them?

Many times we do so unknowingly.  Other times, we are fully aware of what we are doing. We aren’t at our best, we want to make a point clear, or we are tired of the “catch ’em while they’re being good” technique.  We want to point out that they were not being good. Zingers do that hit job nicely —a chance to get in that last dig, that last comment.

There are times when we need to give our kids constructive criticism. That’s okay; it is part of teaching, part of parenting, part of learning.  Zingers don’t fall under that category.  They are in a category all their own. A category of ineffectual and ineffective parenting that some days we can’t help, but need to try to avoid.

Parents are supposed to be positive role models, but some days we just don’t feel so positive.  We get snarky, we get tired, we get frustrated.  As one of my readers pointed out, we stoop to their level and “act like teens” (or ‘tweens or tantruming two-year-olds).  We can’t help but dish back a bit of what some snarly kid has just hurled at us.  Terribly immature, I know.  Even though we are parents, we are human as well.  We make mistakes.

While I do ascribe to the “catch ’em being good” philosophy, some days there isn’t that much good to catch ’em in.  Try as we may to see the good,  it feels like we are on a tiny raft of positive amidst a sea of negativity.  On these days we dig deep down, trying to bring up a meaningful positive comment.  At times it is easy: great kids doing great things.  Happy, relaxed, confident parents seeing the good, handing out the much deserved compliment. Other times, not so easy.  The Zinger fits in nicely here.  We try to give out the compliment, but can’t help but sneak in a Zinger behind it to remind our kids just where they stand that day.

The sneaky part of Zingers is that they are just that… sneaky.  They can twist their way into our comments without any warning.  It is too easy to say something nice, yet not let it go at that.  Sure, we give out kudos to our kids with no back-handed compliment following, but too often we do fall into the Zinger pattern.

I listened closely to myself this past week and here is what I heard:

“I am so glad you finally cleaned behind your bed!  Next time can you do it the first time I ask?”  (Preferred: Great job cleaning out behind you bed!)

“I see you finally got around to picking up your coat and mud boots.  Amazingly, it happened sometime today!” (Preferred: Thanks for remembering to pick up your rain stuff!)

“Do you think that after you finish walking the dog you might possibly find time to actually do your homework?” (Preferred: Thanks for walking the dog!)

What we need to do at times is just shut up, quit while we are ahead, and be kind.  Easier said than done some days, and in some situations, I know.

I caught myself in a Zinger of another variety, I’ll call it “using one sibling to Zinger another.”  It wasn’t until the words had left my mouth did I realize what I had said, what I had implied.  It was time to clear dishes and one of my usually prompt dish duty kids was dragging her feet. I pointed to her sister’s empty spot (one of my kids who has a serious deficit in the clearing—or any job for that matter-department)  and said “even your sister brought her plate across!”  Even your sister.  Insinuating that sister is a lazy bum who doesn’t do her job.  While this may be somewhat true, it doesn’t do any good to point it out to one kid in order to motivate them to get moving.   More importantly, it pits one kid against another with the parent playing favorites, pointing out the negative behaviors of one of the kids.  No good in any situation. Yet so easy to do.

How to stop using Zingers?  First we have to think before we speak.  If we are thinking about the words we aim at our kids and the impact they have, we might be more inclined to stop letting Zingers slip out.  Consider this advice on positive comments, from www.resolution.org.uk:

Experts suggest children need to hear approximately four positive statements for every negative comment to counterbalance the impact of negative comments. Using a 4 to 1 ratio of positive to negative statements with your children is a powerful yet simple way to counterbalance the negative impact for children.

• Remember that what we say to our children often stays with our children, positive or negative.
• Be mindful of what you say to children and how you say it.
• Offer descriptive praise rather than general praise. Instead of saying “great”, consider saying something like “You did a great job colouring that picture – you put a lot of work into it”.
• You may not have control over everything your child hears, experiences or is told, but raising your awareness and implementing the 4 to 1 ratio can make a big difference.
• Whenever possible praise your kids for the things they are doing right. Make your praise sincere; they will know when it isn’t.

Four-to-one. I think I can do that.

We all know how it feels to get negative comments.  We know how it feels to be told “you are doing great, but it would be better if….”  We also know how pumped up we get when we get a well-earned, positive comment or compliment, a raise or a shining review from our boss.  We know how much better we feel and how much more we are inclined to keep doing better.  It is no different with our kids.  When we give sincere, concrete, honest compliments, hugs and kudos when they have followed through, finished a task, gone above what is expected, our kids shine.  When they have done what was asked with no complaining, or done something without being asked they deserve our recognition.  It keeps them going, puts a little extra fuel in their self esteem tanks.  It makes them want to do better and keep doing better.  Then we give more positive feedback.  More good actions.  It can be a cycle that keeps going. A cycle that will benefit all of us.

Watch out for those Zingers. Be aware they exist, that they are sneaky, easy to use on a bad day (or any day for that matter) but not an effective parenting tool.  Weed them out whenever possible. Try out the four “positive comments for every one  negative” rule.  Maybe even try a reverse-Zinger-four-to-one combo!  “I wish you would have gotten your room cleaned up, but oh my gosh!  look what an awesome job you did helping out in the kitchen! You did great putting all the pans away!  And you helped your little brother clean up his crayons!  You are such a super kid!”

Four-to-one.  I can definitely do that, and I know you can, too. Your sister does it all the time. Kidding. Just kidding.