The Parent Trap: Confessions of a Cheapskate/Tightwad
I have gotten a lot of great, positive feedback from The Entitled Nation (March 20, 2011), a lot of people seeing themselves and their kids, even when they didn’t want to.
I wish I could say that my kids are not as entitled as most due to my husband’s and my stellar parenting ability.
Parent trap confession: My kids are not as entitled as some, not entirely because of parenting styles, but also because we are cheap.
Cheap not totally by choice per se, but as a result of some of the choices my husband and I have made. Being a stay-at-home mom, having a husband who is for the most part self-employed, and having six kids aren’t exactly financially lucrative life choices. Writing a once-a-week blog doesn’t bring in the big bucks either. I wouldn’t change these parts of my life (well, maybe making big bucks for writing). I am happy with the choices we have made for our family and feel they are the right decisions for us.
On this road to lack of riches, I always look at the bright side. I have found that there are indeed many benefits to being cheap, to not spending money at every turn. This isn’t about how to save money with coupons, how to cut back or budget your finances. It is about realizing that that there are a lot of parenting bonuses money literally can’t buy.
In fact, not spending money all the time will give you something much better. A huge bang for not shelling out the bucks.
Benefit #1. Kids are less entitled
Being cheap has the benefit that kids can’t be entitled by default. It is hard to be entitled when the answer to “I want… I need…. Give me…” is most likely “No”. You can throw in the “We don’t have the money for that” or “it’s too expensive” if you want, but a good old NO will suffice.
Benefit #2. You can save more for college or retirement
When my two oldest were four and two, my husband had to go to Orlando for business, so we decided to all go and hit Disney World. In order to save for this trip, we used a simple saving technique. Whenever we wanted to buy something but didn’t need to, we would forgo the purchase and put that amount in savings for our trip. We saved much more than we thought, and it was relatively painless.
Parents can apply this to any aspect of spending. We all know darn well we spend a lot on needless junk for our kids. Some of these are big ticket items. We also know we are looking ahead to at least helping with that looming college tuition.
Try (really try) to classify requests into the wants vs. needs category. Sure, a few wants are okay to indulge in occasionally, but only once in a while. If you do this, your kids will appreciate the things you say yes to, it won’t be an automatic given.
Try this for one month: cut out all needless Target/Walmart/Meijer trips (be honest about “needed”… glue sticks and hair ties are not that dire). No running just to pick up new socks. You and I know darned well we’ll walk out having spent $100 or more. The kicker? Over half of what we buy is things we don’t really need, and most of it is for our kids. Happens every time, doesn’t it?
Benefit #3. Gratitude
I have noticed that since we don’t eat out much at all, or even go out for ice cream, when we do, my kids are so excited. Every one gives a heartfelt “thank you”. It is special treat, not an ordinary, every day, no big deal outing. When we do go on an unexpected trip to a fun store and our five year old gets to pick out something small? He treasures it and can’t wait to tell the older kids about it at dinner. You won’t find it on the floor, discarded one our later. This would not happen if we weren’t cheap.
Cut back on the giving, so that when you do give, your kids will be so much more appreciative. “Wow! Thanks! (My parents are actually giving me something)!” instead of, “Is that all?”
So many things are expected from our kids: Of course we’ll stop and get you a drink at Biggby because we always do. Yes, you can pick out a Lego set, just be sure it’s a small one. No problem making an inconvenient extra trip just to get you something you don’t really need.
If we constantly give give give, our kids take it all for granted. When we do teach that “you can’t always get what you want” and that our time and money is valuable, kids will respond (not happily most times) and learn to accept new guidelines.
Benefit #4. Kids learn the value of money
All kids need a life-long lesson in finances and it starts early, at home. There are great ways to be dollar smart with your kids and teach them how to be fiscally responsible.
or http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/RaiseKids/ParentsGoneWildForTheirKids.aspx
Being cheap gives an entirely new twist to this lesson. It teaches kids first hand that money doesn’t spill out endlessly from an ATM (or mom’s purse/dad’s wallet) and why we as parents may not spend whatever we want, whenever we want. If kids are constantly handed money at every turn, they cannot value earning and saving. They can’t experience how difficult yet rewarding it can be to truly work hard towards a financial goal, and succeed.
I find that kids who have no money woes, are given money freely or are not privy to being in a cheap family tend to throw their money around as if it has no worth. Yet at the same time, they love to let everyone know how expensive something was. This leads to…
Benefit #5. Your kids won’t brag about how much something cost
It is one thing to have a financial goal and your kids to say “I want these new shoes, but oh my gosh they cost $110! I am saving for them but it will take forever!”
It is quite another to boast, “I got these today. Aren’t they so cute? They were $110.” Or “Where did you get those? Are they real Uggs, or just a knock-off brand? Mine are real.”
Ick.
When kids are brought up not having the best of the best every time, they tend to not constantly go on about it even when they do. It is the kids who are given it all that tend to make a point of how great what they have is.
Benefit #6. Time spent together as a family (even if just hanging out) is time not spent at the mall
Cheap families are notorious for doing inexpensive things together. If kids are always going to the mall, downtown, or anywhere that involves buying things, they are, well, spending money, mostly needlessly.
If your ‘tween-teen is going to these places a lot, make sure they are spending their own earned money and that you aren’t handing over cash every time they walk out the door. There is nothing wrong with saying “Sure you can go, if you have your own money.”
Benefit #7. Kids decide what purchases they really want
There are a lot of thing kids want that they are completely capable of paying for themselves. I know a boy who cuts lawns in the summer to help pay for his hockey. Being cheap helps kids make these decisions. It allows them to see first hand that many times there are things they really want, but can do without. Also that the things they really want are worth working for.
A good friend of mine was taking her son shopping. She offered to pay for his new shoes, but he wanted the higher end ones (very similar, but still). Mom offered to pay what she would originally pay for the cheaper pair, he could pay for the difference. On the way to the register, son decided maybe he didn’t really like the higher end shoes after all.
Another example on a larger scale: My niece wanted to go on her school Spring Break hoopla madness. Her Mom said sure, but Mom was going too. Daughter could deal with that, but when it came down to buy the plane ticket and reserve the room, mom informed her she was paying for her own trip. Daughter decided maybe she didn’t really want to go.
When kids are faced with these decisions, they can make savvy choices and see the value.
Benefit #8. Not as much junk all over the place.
Pretty obvious.
So, the big question: Would I be doing all these things if finances were never an issue? Would I still make my kids pay for a lot of their own things, not indulge them, not pay for more, not go out for treats more? Would I not love to give them more, recklessly spend to see them happy for the moment?
Yes and no.
I would go out for ice cream and eat out more, for sure.
There would be an increase in my Target trips as well.
I would like to believe that other than that, the course would stay the same. That I would still see the value in these lessons and continue to uphold them even though I didn’t have to. It is said that money changes everything. I know that it would allow me to breathe a little easier, relax a bit. But I also know that it wouldn’t change the fact that I want my kids to be financially responsible, considerate people.
I borrowed a book from my sister about how to save money as a family called The Worlds Cheapest Family. On the front is a picture of the parents who wrote the book surrounded by their five kids. My 14-year-old saw me reading it and said, in total horror, “Oh NO! We’re going to be on the cover of that book next!”
We aren’t the world’s cheapest family, and I’m right there with my daughter… I really don’t want that title. World’s Most Responsible Kids? World’s Most Non-Entitled Kids? World’s Happiest (not just for the moment) Kids? Now those I could go for.
Rster, what a perfect example of the lack of respect kids have for money. I’ll bet some of them (the ones with a conscious) were a little nervous to do their stupid pranks out of fear of getting caught and the sentence that brought, but how many of them thought “Gee… I wonder how much monetary damage this silliness will cost the school?” My bet is none. I read the article and know they lost the privilege to go to the end of year party (big whoop) but don’t remember if the kids were held financially responsible, I sure hope so.
A2, I had a good friend who, when her kids were younger, made home made pizzas and put them in take out boxes she had saved. Now that’s tricky, great cheapness!
If your kids like your pizza better than take out, you must make a mean pie!!
A2Dem, I agree, cheapness isn’t a drawback, but some days it sure feels like it. It feels so good to be able give to our kids, to have the luxury to give them what they want. But, unfortunately it all leads to unappreciative kids. Saying no to constant wants is no fun some days, but I am starting to think a lot of good parenting is no fun some days. Thanks for applauding me, so far my kids are not!! Someday… right??
Yale89, It IS interesting, and you’re right, we shouldn’t apologize for being frugal or money smart. Too many kids are not learning this lesson and don’t understand how interest works and are digging deep holes. Hopefully our kids won’t do that. We are supposedly raising future leaders, they better have a better grasp on fiances than current ones.
Something also to note: my friends/family who DO have loads of disposable income, seem to apologize about that! Or maybe they do that just to me for my benefit…
Reading this and then about the Pioneer HS seniors who vandalized public property (and I suspect the total bill far exceeds what we’ve read in AA.com) it’s easier to understand how some of these kids see expensive destruction as their ‘right’ to celebrate their graduation from high school. I didn’t attend my high school graduation (working) nor the prom (cost too much) and doing the stunts the Pioneer students did just horrify me. Our own street sustained about $100 worth of ‘Class of 2011’ damage).
I saw high school graduation as a given (you’re supposed to at least graduate from HS, right?) and nothing to celebrate wildly about. College, maybe, depending on how well you did…
A2Politico is a total cheapskate and hopes to raise two cheapskates who can see that just because something costs a lot doesn’t mean it’s worth a lot. @A2Dem just for future reference, money does grow on trees. It’s growing on some tree somewhere as I write. When I find the tree, which I hope will resemble a 1,500 year old California redwood, I will be sure to post the exact location to A2Politico. Finally, I want to point out that A2Politico makes ice cream and pizza at home and the kids are convinced it’s better than the stuff you can buy. I expect this myth might be dispelled some day, but am hoping that it won’t be anytime soon!
Of course you aren’t the cheapest family. That’s our family and sister I want that title! The sooner my kids learn the value of a dollar, a quarter, a dime a penny, the better off all of us will be. I know that in the family I grew up it was like money grew on trees. Money trees? My kids are trying to grow up the same way. Of course we’ll have money for designer this and that. Of course we can eat out. Of course we can buy what we like when shopping for groceries. I just can’t see cheapness as a drawback. It’s a skill and I applaud you for teaching it to your kids.
I found the premise of the this piece interesting. Pinching pennies used to be an American tradition. Now, it’s as if there is the need to apologize or justify doing so. Teaching children the value of money is crucial, particularly when one thinks of this is relation to the current economic condition of our country. If our government were a bit better at pinching pennies, perhaps there would be more to spend on services for taxpayers in need.