The Parent Trap: The Battle Hymn of the Anti-Tiger Mother
We parents are a gullible lot, suckers.
Forever searching for the latest study, the cure-all answer to our problems. We get sucked in by marketing scams, too many short-sighted studies, and questionable advice. How many copies of Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother have been sold to date?
Recently, I’ve seen commercials for “babycanread.com” in which a parent is showing flash cards to an eight-month-old. Please let’s not fall for this one, too.
Here’s an idea…how about putting baby in a front or backpack while you do daily jobs at home, or in a bouncy seat near you while you fold laundry, make dinner or even talk on the phone? How about the toddler sitting by you with a lump of play dough (need a good recipe to make it yourself? Let me know.) while you pay bills or do any other mundane job? How about talking to your little ones all day, no matter how silly it sounds?
If you detect seething sarcasm in my writing, you are right. Parents listen to studies that tell us to have our babies watch t.v. (Baby Einstein ring a bell?), but not to sound advice and studies that tell us to actually interact with them.
For the parents of the 2 to 12 crowd, we need to get our heads in the game. (Note: over 12 adds a whole new dimension; middle and high school adds new stresses about scheduling, as well as reasons that a busy schedule can be beneficial… more on this soon. It’s about 2 to 12 kids today).
We keep stuffing our kids’ down-time with structured activities when we are being told over and over how important it is to not do it.
Kids need to play. It’s the anti-Tiger Mother anthem, I know.
Maybe we aren’t listening to this clear message because this would mean two things:
1. our children would tumble into ignorance, wouldn’t be able to “keep up” if we didn’t enroll them in every opportunity we could fit into a week.
2. all that time spent in classes/activities would have to spent with, well… us. How will we get done what we need to? What will we do with our kids all day?
I had a neighbor years ago who came to my door one day, three-year-old in tow. The day care center her only child attended had had a sewage back-up and was unexpectantly closed. It was an unscheduled moment, and mom was panicked.
“What am I supposed to do with her all day?” she asked me.
She left her at my house with three of my kids and me. We did play dough, dress up, ate snacks and colored. It was tough.
Amy Chua might be on the bestseller list with her stories of never accepting a grade lower than an A, of insisting on hours of math and spelling drills and piano and violin practice each day (weekends and vacations included), of not allowing playdates or sleepovers or television or computer games or even school plays, but kids need to have less of the structure we keep cramming down their throats. Kids need to self-regulate. They need to have absolutely nothing to do so they can figure out how to come up with their own ideas of how to fill their time.
This may leave some parents feeling like their children won’t have a crucial “edge” over their wee peers. They are absolutely right. Their kids won’t have the edge of being stressed out and over-scheduled.
I overhear parents talking, proudly ticking off their two- to ten-year-olds’ schedules as if they were trying to impress a college recruiter. They compete for spots in classes for their two-year-olds, get on wait lists all over Ann Arbor. There are the martyrs: “Oh, I have so much driving to do today, no ‘me’ time! I don’t know where I’m going to fit in a latte. You know… Billy’s trumpet lesson, poetry class, ‘Fun Physics for Fours’ class then off to soccer for Suzi, then her “Twos Can Do Tia Chi Too” then to her yoga session. It’s endless!! All this driving is making me crazy!”
Making you crazy? Think about poor Billy and Suzi, stuck in the back seat.
How many times have you taken a crying child to the class you insist they wanted to do? To back-to-back classes? Have you ever taken your child from self-directed imaginative play, a play date with a friend, an activity completely child-driven only to drive across town (or farther) to a class that will “better them” or “expand their horizons?”
It’s time to give our kids back the childhoods they are supposed to have, to allow them to figure out how to play, how to make rules for games, how to have adult-free fun.
A PBS documentary came out in 2009 called Where Do The Children Play? and has a companion book as well, A Place For Play (For more on the book: www.press.umich.edu/titleDetailDesc.do?id=362097.) It looked at children and how they play in three settings: inner-city, suburbs and in the country. It had surprising results:
“Suburbs today have the greatest problems (of the three groups). Explosive growth patterns, massive highways, distant malls, create an isolated environment lacking in sidewalks or places to ride bikes, walk or play. Children tend to be driven indoors to computers and television for recreation, and then driven to a mall or a friend’s house by parents. Suburban kids, those ironically with the most opportunity in some areas, suffer the greatest health and psychological problems.”
Yep. Even more than ” those inner-city kids.”
An activity was given to the three aforementioned groups. The children were supplied with paper building materials and art supplies and were told to build a community. No other instructions or intervening.
The country and inner-city kids’ groups both built houses and towns, added community/helping oriented buildings such as libraries and schools. There were many people waving from multiple windows, kids playing, people walking on the streets. The suburb kids? Few to no windows in their buildings, no people out and about. Lots of cars, restaurants and malls. No sense of community.
I am ready for the onslaught I might get from well-meaning parents reading this.
I believe in limited classes for kids. I have a problem when it is all kids have on their plates, or their plates are too full. Yes, there are kids who crave a full schedule, love to be busy, but ask yourself this: How did they become this way? Were they raised on back-to-back, packed days with no room for silly play, no chance to know any different?
Still worried about not pushing your kids to excel?
In the NPR piece Old Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills (Feb 12, 2008), Laura Berk, researcher of executive function states:
It turns out that all that time spent playing make-believe actually helped children develop a critical cognitive skill called executive function. Executive function has a number of different elements, but a central one is the ability to self-regulate. Kids with good self-regulation are able to control their emotions and behavior, resist impulses, and exert self-control and discipline.
Sad because self-regulation is incredibly important. Poor executive function is associated with high dropout rates, drug use and crime. In fact, good executive function is a better predictor of success in school than a child’s IQ. Children who are able to manage their feelings and pay attention are better able to learn. Self-regulation predicts effective development in virtually every domain…. it seems that in the rush to give children every advantage — to protect them, to stimulate them, to enrich them — our culture has unwittingly compromised one of the activities that helped children most.
(Need or want more on this? Go to:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19212514)
The best way to help develop executive function? Imaginary play. Self-directed play. Child-driven activities.
How can we fix the problem?
For kids under five, scale it back to one to two activities per “semester” or season (bonus points if one is library story time).
For kids over five, it will depend on your child and situation and where you are currently. Take an honest, close look at your child’s schedule. Does s/he have more than three or five (or seven?) classes/scheduled structured per week (count the meeting times, not just the type of activity)? Prioritize and scale back. Make a list with your child and decide which activities are most important to them and your family. Take into consideration music classes or a sport your child has been doing awhile and enjoys. In addition, factor in family beliefs that may take priority (Hebrew school, Chinese Heritage class. etc). These will take precedence over “enrichment” classes, as well as things your child has absolutely no interest in.
Due to busy lives, look at times activities are offered as well as traveling distance, carpooling, multiple siblings’ schedules. The fewer classes you have, the easier this juggling will be.
Here’s the hardest part for some parents: What the heck to do with the new down time?
Take a deep breath, slow down for a bit, and do nothing. Let your kids figure out how to fill in down-time. Will they be bored? Yep. Will they pester you for things to do? Absolutely. Will they want to fill time with computer games and t.v.? Yes. Don’t let them. This whole entry is about the importance of play, not how to zone out.
At our house we have a jar on a shelf that is full of slips of paper, three colors. Each slip has an idea of something to do. Blue is for inside ideas, red for ideas that need a little parent help, yellow for outside. Kids can help think of ideas, although it may be more fun if they are new to them. I also use a list that says “I’m Bored! There’s Nothing To Do” to use in extreme moments of boredom. The first part is all fun things, second is a more work/job related list. Your child can’t find something they like from the fun list? You pick from the job list. When all else fails, give them a book (this may be your child’s first choice… again, bonus points).
You’re thinking, Okay Parent Trap Lady, how many activities do your kids do?? Fair enough.
14-year-old: HS Forensics, multiple at-school clubs, speed skating, volunteer tutoring, volunteer MS Forensics tutoring (each meets once a week with the exception of Forensics, 2-4 times a week)
12-year-old: hockey, track or lacrosse (spring season, middle school… each meets 2- 3 times a week)
10-year-old: hockey (2 x week)
7-year-old: hockey (2 x week)
5-year-old: mud pies, bike riding, Legos, pretend Star Wars play (in other words, nothing structured)
2-year-old: Seriously? She’s two. Nothing structured.
Want to see my “I’m Bored There’s Nothing To Do!” list? Let me know, I’ll be happy to email it to you. Need fun, quick toddler/preschool activities? Ditto.
Every family has a balance. Step back and take a look at what yours is or should be. See how much time your child has when s/he is in charge of the activity. Yes, it can be extremely tiring being with kids all day or even part of the day.
Amy Chua told Time magazine in January 2011: “To be perfectly honest, I know that a lot of Asian parents are secretly shocked and horrified by many aspects of Western parenting,” including “how much time Westerners allow their kids to waste.”
I say let kids “waste time.” Get yourselves out of the car. Watch your kids play. Better yet, don’t watch. Stay out of it. Have a latte. Catch up on laundry. No fees, no wait lists, no driving. No Tiger Mothering.
Suz, Hope all is going well and your little guy got to try some new activities. As promised, here are some more ideas through two links. I see some great activities for 2-3 year old’s. I’ll be trying some new ones too!
Best, Betsy
http://www.clever-toddler-activities.com
http://www.savvysource.com
Suz, it sounds like we are living part of the same life. My 2 year old is right there with yours and my 5 and 12 year old sons were every bit that “active and inquisitive” little boy. Hands on crazy stuff always works best with these little ones. When you have a quick minute (yeah, right) put together some baggies with everything you need (even scissors, tape, crayons which are ever elusive to me) for a quick craft to grab when needed (although my son wasn’t into crafts much). One of his favorites was to glue Cheerios to a picture of a car/truck, the Cheerios as the wheels. And you cover snack time to boot. Great one-to-one correspondence too! Try coloring with washable markers on butcher paper (shiny side facing you), then hang on the tub/shower wall. Take a spray bottle and spray (water) away the picture. It beads up then runs down the paper. Be sure he knows the picture will go away, I have had tears when they were not prepared for this! You can do an outside variation of this with an old sheet hung up and paint brushes. My daughter spends many happy minutes painting anything outside with a big paintbrush and just plain water. Try taking his toy cars and running them through black paint then making “tracks” all over paper. Doing a “car wash” after is a whole new activity. Or give him marbles, let him drop them in little cups of tempera paint. Put the wet marbles and a piece of paper in the bottom of a box with a top. Close it and have him run all over the house, shaking away and see what picture he makes. Put a few pictures of something he likes on the floor (or letters with the pictures if he is ready to learn). Call out the name of the picture (while you fold laundry maybe?), have him jump from picture to picture. My son’s favorite (he is 5 now) is for me to sit on the couch (major bonus!) and hold up colored circles one at a time. One is red, one yellow, one green. He has to run all over the house slow, fast or stop according to the sign I hold up. Clear contact paper and cut out shapes or holiday paper cut outs (from Michaels) are a busy mom’s best friend… no fuss, no mess, the little ones just stick away the shapes to the peeled contact paper, then you can stick to the window. This is a few to get you started… let me think some more and give you more in a day or two. The only laundry my two year old enjoys is picking out all the socks and underwear while I fold. The fact that he says “fun mama! Let’s do it again” tells me he is a happy little boy who will love what you do with him. Have fun and hang in there!
As a working mom with an extremely active and inquisitive 2 year old boy, I’d love some fresh activity ideas. We do plenty of coloring, play-doh, park time, and playing ball. I try to involve him in laundry and dusting, which usually turns into something along the lines of me getting the load of laundry folded, and as he’s doing his best to help to put it into the basket, he decides to wipe the dog’s face with it, throw it up into the air, or dump the laundry basket and yell, “fun, mama! Let’s do it again!” I find myself getting sucked into the guilt trap of me working too much, being frustrated by our busy schedules getting in the way of time spent with him, and then when I do have time, not having enough tricks up my sleeve, especially on rainy days where outside isn’t an option, or at least an appealing one!
A2Politico, what at testament to your family that your kids prefer to spend time together, you don’t hear that often. Our family is the same, we spend a lot of time with each other and really like it that way (most days anyway). I didn’t even write about family time being interrupted/compromised when schedules are packed, but it is so true and an important variable to consider. How can we, as families, find our rhythm together if we are constantly apart?
A2Politico often feels intense guilt for not having my kids in “programs.” However, I didn’t have a single “lesson” until I was in 8th grade. I took guitar for 6 months. Then, no more lessons until age 16, when I paid for piano lessons for almost a year. Where I got the piano to practice on is a story best left untold. It involves an absent parent and a 16-year-old with way too much of a devilish nature and spare cash.
I’ve stopped feeling guilty that my tots are not booked up. Both have made it clear that they prefer to come home, do their homework, and spend family time. Spending time with us, it seems, is the best “class” or “lesson” they can possibly be enrolled in—at least that’s what they tell us.
C. Hall, thanks for pointing out “regardless of age”… while my target age was 2-12, you are absolutely right in the fact that every child needs to not be over scheduled.
This was a fine piece that takes a bit of the air out of the sails of those who would schedule their children from noon until night. Children nowadays need time to be children. With television and movies that push children to sample adult activities, I think it’s important to limit structured activities and let kids (regardless of age) have a chance to get to know what a lazy day feels like.
A2Dem and Yale 89, I am one of the toughest moms who expects the most from her kids. I don’t let my kids while away the hours being slugs. I expect As, but accept other grades when I know they have done their best. My little ones do play… and play and play. And quite remarkably… they learn!! I do
“Table TIme” 2-5 times a week (depending on the week) where we do “academic” (if you will…. most don’t see play dough as academic), activities, but FUN ones. I taught children with special needs (so am a HUGE proponent of early childhood ed), regular ed., and early childhood. I believe that play-based curriculum for early childhood programs is best, and any early childhood experiences are advantageous for at-risk populations. I have first hand seen the difference they can make. I agree that our society needs to step it up (in schools as well as home) when educating our kids to compete globally. My point in this entry is that many parents are wrongfully putting too much emphasis on a loaded schedule, a schedule that they believe is the answer to future success. They think the more they expose their kids too, the better their chances of excelling. So much learning can done through play (remember, this is for 2-12 year old’s, even more so for 2-8), be it board games, simple sports-type activities (nothing teaches math better than keeping score!) with friends, figuring out how to spend time, reading, building toys, pretend play. These all foster social skills too, a chance for kids to work things out without constant adult direction. I want to see a balance of fun learning, kids excited about what they are doing, and appropriate pushing of kids to do and be their best. I want to see kids do some learning through self-directed trial and error. I think a few structured activities are great, esp when they are kids can have fun while learn (they’ll learn a heck of a lot more that way). I cringe when it is all day, every day, adult driven.
While I appreciate the idea that kids should be kids I think that it’s also important to understand that ‘extra lessons’ are not the enemy. So where does this leave the idea that early childhood education programs are worth funding?
Amy Chua’s interpretation of so-called “Chinese parenting” is eye-opening and terrifying. What Betsy describes is classic “Western” parenting. Why do our kids need summer vacations? To harvest the crops on the farm? American kids go to school the fewest days of any kids in industrialized countries. Not surprisingly our kids are falling behind the rest of the world in their mastery of science and math.
My kids expect vacations, relaxation and that if they sometimes don’t do their best work at school that the teacher will not call them on it. I do!
I’m not saying we should call our kids “garbage” or refuse to accept anything less than an A, but I am saying that “Western” parenting is producing educational results that adversely impact our economy and our society.
Pearl, I bet many of the parents who do as you do, feel the same. It is sad that we try to keep up with each other when every family has its own right choices. I worry that this push to over schedule kids will lure new parents who aren’t as strong in their own beliefs. I think about years ago when we grew up, or earlier than that, when all these choices were not available. Yes, it was different, but it still seems like a lot of kids grew up just fine without all the extra “enrichment”.
I often feel like a slacker or worry that my kids are slackers because they aren’t singed up for millions of sports, lessons and activities. I’m (slowly) trying to pull myself out of the competivie parenting game.