The Culture Vulture: Coffee House Rules? Shut Up and Play Nice. Please.
Rules, they’re not just for curfew-breaking teenagers or grueling sports matches. Sometimes rules can be overbearing, but sometimes they are absolutely necessary for everyone’s mutual enjoyment of a place, an event, or just life.
Enter a fast food restaurant, and you’re sure to see a sign that reads “No shirt. No shoes. No service.” Go to the library, and you’ll be met with, “Quiet please” signage.
Like many a struggling writer, I spend hours at my favorite coffee house. Some hours are spent languorously perusing a novel, others frantically clacking away on my laptop, trying my damndest to meet a word count goal for the day. I do my part. I keep quiet. I purchase a large latte. If I stick around for more than three hours, I’ll buy a second drink, or perhaps a scone. I clean up after myself, and I try to be polite. Since I do my part to maintain the ambiance, I think it’s only fair that I make a few demands of others.
Don’t think me a firm-fisted martinet. I’m not. I do, however, demand common courtesy and respect—concepts that seem to elude my generation (Gen Y). Yo! Gens X, Y & Zers: how hard is it to get your caffeine hit and realize that you’re sharing the space?
I’m not trying to be Emlyn Post or the Cafettiquette Queen, but may I humbly suggest to my fellow coffee house patrons and patronesses a few basic rules?
1. Have a general idea of what you want to order before it’s your turn. If you don’t know what an espresso, cappuccino, or macchiato is, please order a regular black coffee. I don’t want to wait in line behind you for 10 minutes as you learn the ins and outs of contemporary coffee, only to have you order it straight-up old-school-style anyway.
2. Be nice to the barista. If the barista is slow or made the wrong order, this doesn’t give you the right to yell at him and tell him how a schmuck could do his job. I’ve never been a barista, but I’ve worked in other service jobs. When the customer gets angry, the worker has to dutifully listen to his rant—even though most of the time it’s not even the barista’s fault! What’s more, you’re high-volume bickering is sure to disturb the other customers. Even if the coffee man is doing a shitty job, you’re going to look like an ogre to everyone else in the vicinity. Just keep quiet. If you really have a problem, talk calmly to management later on.
3. Club chairs are prime real estate. If you’re going to get up and then sit back down, walk around the shop for 15 minutes seeking out a book, don’t leave your stuff on a club chair. People want to have their turn at the comfiness. If you’re not even sitting there, you have no right to claim it as your own. If I were a less polite person, I might take your stupid lap top and coat and place them somewhere else for you. I’m not like that, but I do promise to give you a dirty look when you return from your saunter around the shop.
4. If you’re sitting in a club chair, you are entitled to 50 percent of the side table. The person in the chair next to you needs a place to set her coffee, glasses, cell phone too. Don’t be a space hog. Even if you ask and the person says it’s okay, you need to ask again if someone new comes to sit down.
5. Don’t bring small, rambunctious children to hang out. It’s one thing if you’re just coming in and out to get even more sugary fuel for your out-of-hand children. It’s also okay to sit with well-behaved children in the shop. It is not okay to allow your children to run up and down the aisles, screaming, singing, chanting, whatever. You would think this is common sense, but sadly it happens almost every time I’m in the shop. Take your high-strung kids for a walk, don’t bring them here and buy them sugar or caffeine (see A2P’s The Parent Trap for tips, suggestions and sobering details).
6. Don’t have leisurely cell phone chats in the shop. Really. Go outside. Nobody wants to hear you bitch and moan about how the wrong castaway won “Survivor.”
7. If you’re studying, okay. If you’re avoiding studying, not okay. The only patrons who rival the noise produced by children off their Ritalin are procrastinating students. They tell their parents they’re going to the coffeehouse to study with Sue, but really they just want the dish on Sue’s latest fling. This leads to gossip, giggling, and way too much invasive noise. Go somewhere else to get your talk on, come back when you really want to study.
Let me summarize: the most important rules are simple—shut up and play nice.
While “researching” this piece (i.e. hanging out in the coffee shop and waiting for someone to be annoying), I asked the barista about the rules. She said that customers who are extremely noisy will be asked to leave.
Links: Starbucks’s implicit rules
One coffeehouse that took rule-making too far: A picture editorial
About the Culture Vulture: From an early age, books have been Emlyn Chand’s best friends. She loves to hear and tell stories and emerged from the womb with a fountain pen grasped firmly in her left hand (true story). Her affinity for the written word extends to absolutely every area of her life—she has written one-and-a-half novels, has two freelance columns, leads a classics book group with over three-hundred members, and most recently has started an author service business called “Novel Publicity.” She loves networking with other writers, so please don’t hesitate to connect with her on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/user/emlynchand), or on either of her websites: www.novelpublicity.com and www.emlynchand.com
Great post, very humorous and at the same time, so right!
I’m not addicted to writing in coffee shops though there’s
a long tradition for doing this in Europe, starting with
Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir at the Deux Magots in Paris.
And I can see how noise and unpleasant behavior can spoil
the experience…But surely your most important, “serious”
writing is done at home? My impression is that you crave
your 5 weekly “sorties” just to enjoy the break…
After several trips to Starbucks since you posted this article last week, I have seen every one of these rules broken. I think the most important points you raise are the expectations of relative silence and sharing of space.
I don’t see anything inherently wrong with people holding conversations; however, not everyone knows how to use an inside voice. Shame on their parents for not teaching them manners. As for sharing space, I witnessed the worst violation of this rule as a young woman took up an entire couch, as well as the coffee table in front of it, with her belongings. When her laptop battery ran out, she moved to a small table near an outlet but left all of her things on the coffee table and couch. A few minutes later, a couple and their three young children came in. As the kids began running around and making noise, I decided it was time to leave.
Coffee shops are interesting places for me to go when I want to study human behavior but I never get any serious work done in them.
Thought you might be interested to see that an article has been written in response to my humble plea. It is both for and against my rules. Check it out: http://www.inspired-quill.com/featured-articles/the-write-environment/
[…] few days ago, I read an article by a twitter-friend of mine, Emlyn Chand. It outlines a number of ‘rules’ for going into coffee […]
Back again… :p I’m in a better mood today than yesterday (less grumpy).
I can agree with many of the points now that I’m not so annoyed with the world.
Points 6 and 7 though. . . . see I go to coffee shops to have conversations with people. And hang out. That’s what I’ve ALWAYS done in coffee shops. I mean, didn’t coffee shops used to be the haven of beatniks and poetry slams? How would you even write with all that finger snapping going on? … and your rules says I shouldn’t be talking, really. Makes me made enough I want to steal the hubcaps off your car now.
Forgot to say that as a writer, it’s pretty bad when something is so frustrating that words cannot express it. Whole new level of meaning for penmen and -women 😉
You so are speaking my language. I hate to sound like “durn kids get off my lawn” but I love to write at coffee shops. Bad enough the noise that occurs in prime travel times (before 8 and say lunch rush) but people playing “I can be louder than you can” may just become villains in my next short story!
Me too, Heather! Words cannot express my frustration at Seattle’s Best discontinuing their vanilla bean scones. Then they brought in a super delicious peppermint loaf, but it’s seasonal. I’ve also had a hard time keeping up with how much the drink menu has been changing at Borders lately due to their uncertain future 🙁
How about a cone of silence? Would you believe…
I like this. It made me chuckle as I feel the same way about many of your observations. I go to the same cafe 4-5 times a week and order the same thing. Over time I have noticed that I am becoming quite territorial about not only ‘my table’ but also ‘my scones’. I get irrationally annoyed if the fruit scones are all gone.. What can I say. I’m institutionalised.
Funny post. I twittered over here to help break some records. Not a coffee drinker (diet coke is my addiction), so I don’t go to the coffee houses. Might be fun to try it out, though.
@Kate, yes! The dual charge hogs, horrible.
Building off your second point, I forgot to add (and this is related to something I said in my article about book club culture), if you say “hi” to someone, and she smiles and looks away, that means, “I’m being cordial, but really I don’t care to be bothered.” It does NOT mean, “I’m thrilled to see you! Please come sit with me at my table (even though I have a backpack on the spare seat to discourage this). Let’s have a long-winded conversation about the weather or some such drivel.”
Emlyn, a delightful and witty piece of writing; you had me giggling throughout! I took a partial sympathy to patience with the barista -very apt and true -I have worked in retail too & listening to customers who are rude and trying to keep a smiling face & doing your job is a feat in its’ own right -so be patient and remember to thank the barista -they are people too!!!
And the club seats -is that what its called over the pond?!! Yep I confer, please no hogging of the comfy seats if all you are going to do is wander; offer it up to someone who will apprciate it! -Thanks again -this was a great breaktime read.. 🙂
I don’t drink coffee. If I did, I’m pretty sure I’d end up like one of those annoying children, leaping around the furniture and giggling madly until somebody darted me and put me back in my cage. Better for everyone if I just write at home.
LOL. I work as a freelance writer and am always hopping from coffee shop to coffee shop and I have to agree with each one of these things. I’ll add use only one outlet. There is nothing worse than the person who has their cellphone plugged into one and the computer into the other while you sit there watching your battery life drain. UGH!
Or what about the person, or employee, who thinks it is a good idea to talk to you while you are typing away with your headphones in? I never understood that one either!
Kate
I say, Here, here. I especially like #5. One of the reason we frequent these locations are to get away from kids and other bother sum people around the house.
“I’m not trying to be Emlyn Post…”–best line I’ve read all day!
I’m actually on both sides of the argument…I know, wishy-washy. I frequent both a Barnes & Noble and a Panera for offsite writing, and while I do respect others there doing their own thing, I would love peace and quiet. However that being said, I would never expect it, as those establishments are not meant to be libraries for writers only. Not to mention the fact I still find it hard to believe they can be profitable on someone who buys a $4 latte and takes up a seat for 2-3 hours. Of course, I’m just as guilty, buying a $2 coffee at Panera and doing free refills. And if I can find a seat with an outlet? You’ll never get rid of me.
But I guess my bottom line is though I may find other loud conversations or chair saving annoying, I don’t complain, as it’s open for anyone to patronize, not just me.
Fantastic post! The humor is brilliant and sharp, and Emlyn’s points are serious and spot-on. I don’t write in coffee shops and I’m not typically bothered by chattering. But obnoxious or impolite behavior, anywhere, by anyone, drives me bonkers.
An interesting yet brilliantly funny, makes me cry with laughter ever time I read and I must have read it five times now. I now understand the rules of the coffee house and will chant them to anyone who breaks them whilst writers are tyring to write.
Many people come and go too, which is just fine. Starbucks’s whole thing is creating a home-like ambiance to encourage people to stick around and keep coming back. I will say that I tend to visit my favorite coffee shop about 5 times per week when in extreme writing mode. Each time I buy at least 1 five-dollar latte. And since I like the ambiance, I’m extremely loyal. I know others are like this too. This scheme serves them very well indeed.
@Joe I’m thinking the profit margin on muffins is what is keeping Starbuck’s in business. 😉
I’m guessing nursing a coffee is serious business. Is there that much profit in one drink every three hours? I would guess the coffee houses need people packed in there like the North-west Passage to pull a profit. Educational post, for me.
@CellularSmoke I’m with you on the music. I’ve been known to ask to have the music turned down. Dirty looks, shock, rolling eyes and huffing/puffing be damned. Thanks for adding yet another note to the discussion here.
Since I opened my mouth, and all I do is make noise… Rules For Coffee Shops:
1. Turn off your damn overhead music so we can have normal volume conversations over coffee so the writer can work without being deafened.
Also, counter attack to the example of Emlyn’s Rule 1 – walk up to indecisive unknowing coffee purchaser, and order for them. Sometimes even pay for it. Occasionally explain what you just gave them.
From Twitter: @tglong Hilarious read!
@BC, you’re a science fiction writer. Crazy changes of scenery exist within your mind, but what is a lowly lit fic penwoman to do?
I’ve never written my books outside of my home. Nor have I felt the desire to do so. But, I can see why a change of scenery can be important. Since my writing time is squeezed into a small space each day, usually early in the morning before the sun rises or late in the day after the sun is down, I mix it up by writing in a different room.
In response to @cellularsmoke, I’ve asked my #amwriting friends to send him a mention explaining the need to occasionally escape the house. I write at home often enough, but sometimes you need a change of scenery to escape writer’s block, to get a gourmet coffee, or to feel like you are connected to the world around you!
I don’t expect utter silence. I actually like the white noise of subdued chatter and coffee grinding. As @A2politico brought up, the same basic rules apply to restaurants as well. Are we losing our hearing; do we all need to scream all the time?
From Twitter:
@Thechildofwords The Culture Vulture: Coffee House Rules? Shut Up and Play Nice. Please. #A2Politico http://t.co/pa1lPmI via @A2Politico I love this so much
From Twitter:
from @cellularsmoke to me [BS “rules” for Hipster Assholes too stupid to stay home or buy headphones] coffee shop etiquette….
@A2Politico outlets that time out?!? Awesome idea.
@Jim A2Politico has children and a world view in which I go to the cafe and hope that there are not screaming kids parked next to me. I go to restaurants and refuse to be seated near parents who are taking their young kids out for dinner.
My kids are 13 and 11. When they were little, we did not hang out at the cafe together. We went in, ordered and left.
@Emlyn you outlet hog you! I can’t wait for people with electric cars to start charging them at Starbuck’s when they stop in for a quick espresso. 🙂 Outlets in cafes should automatically time out after 2 hours.
In Europe cafes are places to meet friends, talk and relax. Here cafes, particularly ones in college towns, are taken over by the studious-minded and turned into libraries that serve coffee, tea and scones. I can’t say I mind the people who have no idea what they’re going to order, or even the folks who hog the tables. What gets to me sometimes are the servers, actually, who are not trained in customer service. For these young coffee slingers, it is as if the customers are getting in the way of their music and their conversations.
Wait until you have children, how your world view will change.
@Dave, a man after my own heart. I can’t say anything about the outlet rule, because I’ve been known to spend 10 hours at a stretch jacked up. Next time someone abandons their lap top, I’m going to do the Craigslist thing–that’s classic!
@Kelly, there just aren’t enough places left where one can go for quiet. Writers have adopted the coffee house and made it their own. We claim it in the name of literature. For time out with friends, why not try a pseudo-cafe like Panera? Nobody expects peace and quiet there. Starbucks on the other hand…
The CLUB CHAIR rule! Yes! Finally someone who understands that club chairs are lost when the person sitting there gets up and wanders off for 20 minutes. Sometimes, I wonder how people can be dumb enough to leave laptops unattended for so long. That’s enough time to list in on Craig’s List, and sell it. Can we add “The Outlet” rule? What’s your opinion on people who hog the electrical outlets for hours and hours? Loved loved loved the kid rule. Get ’em in and get ’em out. Adults only.
I have never understood the unwritten rule that cafes are supposed to be quiet. Who says so? You’re writing. I’m not. I’m out with a friend having a break from whatever. Cafes have been taken over by people who need peace and quiet to do whatever. It’s a public place. Who needs rules?
I’m a Borders loyalist all the way! You’ll find me at any number of their locations around metro-Ann Arbor. My hubby’s feelings were hurt a little by this, since he is one of the people who doesn’t know what to order. He said, “why can’t I ask, if I don’t know?” I said, “you can ask me, or you can look on the internet.” How hard is that really?
OMG!!! I read this three times and laughed more each time. You were in the coffee shop I go to regularly, right? I love the rules, especially the one about know what you want before you get in the damn line. I am sorry to say that my eldest is probably one of those kids pretending to study. This was a great read. Thanks.