A typical day for my best friend of 40 years, who just happens to be a secretary at a public middle school, goes something like this:

Student comes in to office, needs to use the phone.

“I need the phone. I forgot my lunch.”

My friend reminds her to ask politely, “May I please use the phone Mrs. R?”

Student takes phone (without saying “thank you”) (Note: please see “The Parent Trap” on manners, March 6, 2011).

Student: “Mom. You forgot to pack my lunch. You need to bring it NOW… lunch is in 20 minutes….”

(In the background my friend is not so quietly modeling a proper scenario ‘Hi mom!  It’s me, I messed up and forgot my lunch. Can you please bring my lunch?  Thanks so much!  Love you!’)

“…No mom, you forgot.  I Need it now! Put it in my locker.”

Hangs up.

The tragic aspect of this story? In a short time, a simpering parent will stop in the Office and make some lame excuse for the child.

It’s called enabling, and it happens when kids come to expect (demand) their parents bail them out of situations that are completely the kids’ own fault.

If you are thinking this sounds vaguely familiar, has undertones of “The Parent Trap: The Entitled Nation” (March 20), you are absolutely right. This time it is The Enabled Nation. Don’t get me wrong: our kids need our help, but how can we know when to step in and help and when to let them do it themselves (heaven forbid, with some struggling or uncomfortable moments)?

Ask yourself this one question: Am I helping or enabling my child?

Helping is doing something for someone that s/he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone things that s/he could and should be doing himself.

Simple, right?  Well, not always. I know sometimes I am well aware that my child can do something or handle a situation, yet I want to help out. I like to help out—the parental “you need me” emotion kicks in.  Parents need to be needed. The problem is, like the Entitled Nation, satisfying that parental need to be needed gets our kids nowhere, teaches them nothing. As if that weren’t bad enough, enabling leads to parents being slaves as opposed to leaders; our children fall into negative behaviors.

Enabled behavior leads to entitled behavior; it’s a vicious cycle.

According to Sarah Newton (youth consultant, www.ideamarketers.com), parents-as-slaves are worried about saving/rescuing their children. These parents are more concerned about short term gain and temporarily solving problems. The message they give to their children through their actions is this: “I do not trust you to do this on your own; I will always step in to save you.”

Being a slave-parent teaches children to depend unhealthily on the parent.

On the flip side, parents-as-leaders are concerned with long-term growth, development and results. They are able to let their children be prepared for and make difficult choices. The message parents-as-leaders send is this: “I trust you. I know you can handle it and you have all you need to to solve this problem.”  The results are responsible children who learn from their lessons.

Often as parents we think by stepping in that we are helping. On the contrary, not only are we enabling our kids, but we are making life much more difficult for ourselves in the years to come.

But they are so busy, our kids, you say?  Isn’t it our job to help them?

Think about this:

“When we continue to allow these (enabling) behaviors to occur, we are setting a pattern of behavior in our children that will be hard to change. We are enabling their repeated inappropriate behavior. Then we repeat the enabling pattern with the result of instilling bad habits and accepting what should be unacceptable behavior for so many years that it eventually becomes as natural to many of us as breathing. Yet all the while, a nagging feeling deep in our heart and soul tells us something is very wrong.”—www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/when-helping-hurts-your-children

Something is very wrong. When we enable our kids we don’t permit our kids to be responsible, to try to problem solve and yes, possibly fail.

Last week, I was late running errands and I wasn’t going to be home in time to meet my seven- and nine-year-old from school. There was no way to get in touch with them. I knew I would be home within 20 minutes of when they got home. I panicked, but there was nothing I could do. My girls got home, and found an empty house (unheard of). They stayed there a few minutes, and when I still wasn’t home, they went to the neighbor who was home. Excellent!  They made up a smart plan on their own, they problem solved, and did so with flying colors.

I am not happy that I wasn’t there that day, but life is going to throw kids (and parents) curve balls.

My girls walk home from school together (four blocks). Infrequently, I walk and pick them up. I see parents who live as close or closer than I do, driving their kids. Let me qualify this a bit. If you’re on the way to work, driving the kids to school makes sense. Otherwise, yes, step away from the mini van and see what happens.

When I was in college getting my degree in Special Education (Cognitively Impaired), we learned the term “learned helplessness.” This refers to when teachers or parents do so much for kids, don’t let kids do anything for themselves, that the kids learn to be helpless. To not even try. To believe they can’t do it.

I spent a bit of time listening for enabled statements from my kids, observing some learned helplessness mostly revolving around clothes.  I realized my kids expected me to do things they are able to do.

I am, many days, an enabler. There, I’ve said it. Here are some of the things I do that my kids are completely able to do for themselves:

• Putting out the three school-kids’ clothes (not the 14-year-old,) the night before (I like fuss-free mornings)
• Making my kids school lunches the night before (I’m a slight control freak, and again, fuss-free mornings)
• Making my school-aged kids’ beds while they are at school (just because they thank me)
• Picking up way too much after them, especially after baths/showers (I hate wet towels)

I have excuses, reasons that justify to me why I do what I do. That what enablers do. This coming week, I am not going to not do the things I listed above.  Well… I may still make the beds. But lunches? No problem!!

Passing the chore baton is the first step in curing enabling. It’s tough, I know. Let’s face it.  It is easier to do things for our kids or do jobs at home that they can do, than to sit idly by, looking at the mess we are waiting for them to clean up. It is so much easier  to quickly clean up the kitchen after dinner, than to pester, remind, yell, wait and stand over them in order to get our kids to do it. Yet, we need to suck it up and slow down, graciously step aside, and, yes, lower our cleanliness standards while our kids learn.

Having jobs at home is the first step in handing your child’s life over to him/her.

You can find job lists for your child’s age here and here. (I swear the second tool isn’t a chart. We all know I steer clear of charts. See “The Parent Trap,” March 27, 2011.)

Another form of enabling older kids is in all the driving we do, taking them everywhere they think they need to go. I don’t mean lessons, practices, school functions, birthday parties, etc. Obviously, they can’t drive themselves. However, do we really need to take them everywhere they ask? No. Ask yourself this: can they walk? Can older kids take the city bus? My two older kids (12, 14) use the city bus. When my teen daughter wants to go downtown, she walks, rides her bike or takes the bus and meets a friend.

Do you find yourself wearing a path to the Middle or High School shuttling  forgotten items to your kids? Stop. They are old enough to be properly prepared for the school day. They won’t die if they miss lunch one day because they forgot it, or didn’t make it before leaving for school.

This week (and every week thereafter), you have jobs to not to,  jobs to pass on to your ever-so capable little ones. You have running around to not do. Think of the free time! All in the name of making your children more responsible.

As for me, I am going to go not make lunches, not pick up towels, not set out kids’ clothes. In my spare time I will tend to the other 57 things that are still on my “to do” list.

And perhaps, just perhaps, I’ll kick up my feet a minute and enjoy the benefits of not enabling.